I asked you a simple question! Do you love her? YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

We Bleed, We Fly, We Terrify You

Last night, Kirsten and I escaped to Mt. Vernon, OH, to see "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." Don't judge us. Before the lights dimmed and the previews began, Kirsten asked, "Hey, Sam, are you a feminist?"

And I said, "Yes. I am." Maybe that's the reason why I walked out of "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" feeling angry.

But let's talk about "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," just for a moment. Into every generation, a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world who protects the world from demons. You know that. You should also know Buffy's superpowers don't transform her into an irrational basketcase. Her superstrength is as natural as her menstrual cycle, and it belongs to her.

Now, let's talk about "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." The premise was promising. What happens when you break the heart of someone who can break your face? I thought the question had one simple answer:

Awesome stuff.

I now realize the makers of "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" had a more complicated and sexist list of possibilities (and implications) in mind. Did you know:

--women with power are dangerous? Watch out, boys. A woman with super strength will break your bed--and your penis. And in these uncertain times, no man can be without his penis.

--women with power don't deserve their power? They could use all that x-ray vision and wind-breath to earn a living. Nothing creates mayhem-mayhem-mayhem like a woman with her very own checking account.

--women with power are crazy? Uma Thurman's Jenny Johnson isn't confident; she's neurotic and controlling!

--holding a woman's purse shrivels your testicles? Go ahead, try it, boys. You'll regret it for the rest of your lives.

Halfway through the movie, Kirsten whispered, "This would have made a really interesting horror movie." And she's right. Stephen King's "Carrie" imagines a strong link between female sexual maturity and terrifying female power. "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" does the same. Our heroine--if she can be called such--becomes super-powered and bootylicious when she touches a magic rock from outer space. At least Stephen King admits his--and others'--anxiety about female sexuality. "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" attempts to disguise that anxiety with weak jokes, a little something I like to call "not-humor."

Even the movie version of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was more bad-ass than this mess. And that's saying something.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You...

No doubt you've seen the pictures of an emaciated Keira Knightley trying to work a slinky, gold halter dress-thing on the red carpet. (If not, click on the link to Go Fug Yourself to your right there.) No doubt you're concerned about how gross she looks, but you have to remain calm. We, at the Point of Babette, have it on good authority Ms. Knightley is preparing for the lead role in her semi-autobiographical horror film...

RIBS of KNIGHTLEY

In a world where only starlets are not allowed to consume carbohydrates and saturated fats, five friends--Bridie, Skipper, Leo, Kenny, and Tex--feel safe in their suburban homes. They crave adventure, and they find it when they dare each other to spend one night in the infamous Knightley house. According to legend, the once promising star of "Bend It Like Beckham" and "Pirates of the Caribbean" wasted away in her bedroom when she refused to eat more than unsweetened Kool-Aid powder. According to legend, you can still hear her stomach growling in the middle of the night...

On that fateful evening, the kids uncover a terrifying secret: Knightley Lives!

Your spines will be tingled when the skeletal Keira Knightley focuses her dread-terror on the hapless and portly Tex. Watch with bated breath as Skipper and Leo attempt to defeat the corporeal apparition with breaded chicken legs and cole slaw. Your hearts will race as Kenny, the runt and heart of the group, gets trapped between the protruding ribs of the horrifying former actress. And you will applaud when Bridie, the girl wonder of that group of heroes, shows the monster how real women snack at midnight.

Get the Scary Skinny... October 16, 2006

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Stephanie's Fabulous Unemployment Movie Marathon

While Sam is off in Atlanta participating in the annual Simpson board game championships, I have been forced to find other means of amusement. Now that my books are all in alphabetical order by author and the apartment is as close to spotless as you can get and still have furniture, I've worked up a movie list to keep me occupied:

1. Carrie
2. Kill Bill Vols 1&2
3. The Big Lebowski
4. Stigmata
5. Shaun of the Dead
6. Mystery Men
7. Pulp Fiction
8. Can't Hardly Wait
9. Go
10. Hamlet (the Kenneth Branagh version)
11. The Singing Detective
12. Chicago

Have I mentioned the unemployment?