Ask Stephanie's Foot-Fetishizing Cat

Welcome to the advice column from Stephanie's cat, Asta. This month, he focuses on your money and career problems. You see, when he's not busy chewing on the plastic lilies in the living room or drinking out of the toilet, he's reflecting on fiscal responsibility and sound career choices.

Dear Asta: Should I put my money in the stock market now while it's not doing so hot, or would it be safer to invest in some diversified small-cap growth funds?--Retirement Is Not Soon Enough, North Carolina

Dear RINSE--I sit on top of the television. I swish my tail. You do not watch television because you watch my tail. Now I am eating your flowers. I knock down your cell phone.

Dear Asta: I had to decide if I wanted to edit math or reading textbooks. I choose math. Did I make the right choice?--AW, Ohio

Dear AW--I sit in the bathtub after your shower. I drink the water in the drain and get wet on my head. I headbutt you. I headbutt you. I headbutt you. I sniff your shoes.

Dear Asta: I'd like to open a savings account, but my money dries up before I can set any aside. How can I properly manage my funds?--SNS

Dear SNS--I sleep in your socks.

Got a problem? Asta can help! Send your questions about anything to cardboardislife@gmail.com.

Yay for Sam!

I pleased to announce that Ms. Samantha Novella Simpson has won a decisive victory over the forces of fate. She is too awesome for her employers to let her go and has been offered another year in their employ.

This drastically reduces the likelihood that she will be living in a cardboard box under a freeway next year, for which I am happy. I mean, where would I sleep if I visited her? On the flap? No. Instead, she can continue being awesome for money. But not, you know, in a stripper way.

Let the accolades begin!

Battle of the Bands: The Volunteers vs. Ludo

Here's the thing, friends. I'm getting old. If I tell you I'm 25, I'm lying. I moisturize religiously so that you will believe that lie for the next 10 or 15 years.

I've found that rock music also keeps the wrinkles and cellulite at bay. I hear the young people partake of the rock music, and that's how they remain the young people. And that's why I made my way to two shows in one week:

Band: The Volunteers (Part of the Army Field Band)

Sounds Like: A cover band fronted by your totally square parents.

Date: April 6, 2008

Venue: Smith High School, Greensboro, NC

Audience: You would think that the arrival of a shuttle from a local retirement community would give me pause. And it did. Oh, the old people turned out in droves, double-parking their caddies and complaining about the how the rain was affecting their joints. To be fair, many of the people easing up the sidewalk with their walkers were veterans--heroes, if you will.

Signature Song(s): A medley of the theme songs for every branch of the U.S. military followed by a cover of Lee Greenwood's "Proud to Be an American"

Concert Highlight: During the performance of "Life Is a Highway," the pint-sized grandson of one of these heroes rushed to the stage and played air guitar, air drums, and air keyboard.

On-the-Spot Review: "Why do I suddenly have a craving for creamed corn? And why won't those damn kids stay off my lawn?"

Band: Ludo

Sounds Like: A pop-punk band fronted by that weird kid from third grade who used to stuff candy up his nose.

Date: April 13, 2008

Venue: Tremont Music Hall, Charlotte, NC

Audience: There were a handful of tattooed young folks with dyed hair. Over 50% of the audience wore tattered Chuck Taylors. One woman pulled up to the club in a mini-van full of underage rockers, making her the coolest mom ever.

Signature Song(s): Everyone sang along to "Love Me Dead." And "Go-Getter Greg" is at once hilarious and scary.

Concert Highlight: The band took a picture of the audience pretending to be circus animals.

On-the-Spot Review: "Yes, I would date the lead singer. I don't even care that he's three feet tall."

Winner: LUDO