"Wanna See Something Scary?"

I had the opportunity this weekend to see John Carpenter's "Halloween" for the first time. My friend insisted this 1978 classic would scare the crap out of me. I had a little crap to spare, so I settled on the couch and got ready to scream.

And you guys? No.

I did not scream. It is a classic, but the problem is all the classics have been deconstructed on shows like "Buffy" and movies like "Scream." And there's no return from deconstruction; my innocence is gone.

That is not to say Team Babette ain't never scared. We offer you a list of our irrational fears:

EEK! ZOMBIES! Sure, they're slow-moving and dim-witted, but they keep coming and coming. You can shoot 'em up, but you'll eventually run out of ammo. You can be smart, but, again, they keep coming and coming. And they eat brains. I need my brains.

ACK! BUGS THAT CRAWL INSIDE YOUR BODY AND LAY EGGS THAT HATCH! Stephanie knows it's an urban myth. She gets that. However, the very idea of that happening is freaky.

EEP! BILLS! I have a recurring nightmare that I'll forget to send in my credit card bills. Then Discover agents will come and bust my kneecaps. I need my kneecaps.

LOOK OUT! BODY HAIR AND SOAP GUNK IN THE TUB! Being inconsiderate can be horrifying, especially when your roommates leave their body junk in the bathtub. Imagine--getting on your knees and scrubbing at the hardened flakes of dirt trapped in the microscopic crevices in the bathtub. What if got under your nails? And what if it contained something... alive... that laid eggs?

OH, NO! DENTISTS! "...be a dentist!/You have a talent for causing things pain./I'm your dentist!/And people pay me to be inhumane/I'm your dentist!/And I enjoy the career that I picked/ I'm your dentist!/And I get off on the pain I inflict!" (Orrin Scrivello, "Little Shop of Horrors," 1986)

DON'T LOOK NOW! CRAZED, DRUNKEN HOMELESS PEOPLE REEKING OF URINE! ...wait, what?
Me: Are you afraid of New York?
Stephanie: Some aspects of it. Not all of it.

GROSS! RATS! There's something about their tails. And the way they spread bubonic plague. But it's mostly those pink, disgusting, wriggling, rodent-y tails that make me want to vomit. That "Ben" video by Michael Jackson still gives me nightmares.

AAAH! GHOSTS AND STUFF THAT STALKS YOU FOR NO REASON, AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT, EVEN IF YOU BURY THE BODY AND SEAL ALL YOUR DOORS! Deadly fog? My sister posed a very pertinent question during our last phone conversation: How do you stop fog? It's fog. She's right. And in movies like "The Grudge" and "The Ring," it is isn't enough for a protagonist to find the source of the ghosts' anguish. Oh, no. They're pissed because they're dead, and if you can't un-dead-ify them, then they're a-gonna kill you. Sorry.

GRAB YOUR WEAPON! GAUCHOS! I hate those stupid non-pants.

Hope you're not too scared now to go out there and have a Happy Halloween. Beware zombies, rats, and gauchos...