The Fall of TV - Part 3

And now, the sad state of Wednesday night TV.

ABC
George Lopez/Freddie: Now, I have heard some rumblings about this being the Latino hour of comedy, but really, is Freddie Prinze Jr. Latino? I mean, he seems whiter than Wonderbread.

Lost: Reasons why I will not be watching Lost this season: 1.) It is on opposite Veronica Mars, a clearly superior show. 2.) There is no way in which this show with this set of writers could satisfactorily reveal the show’s mysteries. 3.) I cannot stand more than half of the characters and that just happens to be the half with all the screen time. 4.) Bad writing. I mean, consider the season premiere’s “surprise” ending. They introduce a character in the same episode that they “reveal” that he’s on the island. This, my friends, is not how suspense is achieved.

Invasion: This is so clearly a companion piece to Lost that it seems to have formed entirely from the drool of network executives. Which is an appropriately gross image for an alien show. Just not interested.

CBS
Still Standing / Yes, Dear: More family sitcoms. You know, when people despair and predict the death of the sitcom, these are their examples.

Criminal Minds: This is Mandy Patinkin’s new procedural vehicle. I’d like to think that my general respect and admiration for Mandy Patinkin would cause me to watch this if it weren’t on opposite Veronica Mars. But I would be lying. Because Mandy Patinkin hasn’t done anything in the last twenty years that I just really wanted to see and a procedural cop show is no exception.

CSI:NY: This is the red-headed step-child of the CSI family. Except the red-headed guy is on the Miami one. Who’s on this one anyway? That’s how little I care.

NBC
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart: So, I appreciate that Martha Stewart exists and that she designed the cute little test-tube ice cube trays that I currently use. But I kind of like to keep that aura of mystery around her which seems to be totally at odds with the reality show concept. I like to think she’s at her best when she is wielding her ergonomically designed whip over the heads of all those little elves she has sewing throw pillows and arranging fake flowers in a sweatshop in Connecticut. That’s where she belongs, not leaching success off Donald Trump.

E-Ring: Oh, the military. How you disinterest me.

Law & Order: The original, accept no substitutes, Colonel’s secret recipe show. You know, except for those twelve clones.

Fox
That ‘70s Show: It feels like this show has actually been on since the ‘70s. Once one of your “teenage” leads settles down in Kabbalah bliss with an AARP member, shouldn’t you think about laying the show to rest?

Stacked: Somehow, Pamela Anderson always gets work. What’s great about America, people.

Head Cases: Fox has actually already cancelled this show. After only 2 episodes. Which actually seems pretty fitting since I can’t imagine sitting through Chris O’Donnell and that other guy being “quirky” lawyers. Now, they’re going to air repeats of Nanny 911. Good luck with that, guys.

The WB
One Tree Hill: So, I’m pretty sure they just recast Dawson’s Creek with younger actors for this show. Can’t you guys let it rest in peace?

Related: The WB really hopes that this is going to be that holy grail of television shows, “brought to you by the makers of Friends,” that will be the new Friends. I give it a month.

UPN
America’s Next Top Model: So, this year, Tyra Banks decided she’d had enough of the old botoxed battleaxe and got rid of Janice Dickinson. Thereby also getting rid of the only reason to watch this show.

Veronica Mars: This is hands-down the show I am most excited about this season. Great, unpredictable mysteries, a likable and witty heroine and a tone that somehow makes a sunny California beach town seem noir.

The verdict: There’s only one hour of television to watch on Wednesdays and that’s Veronica Mars. For the other primetime hours, I’m thinking of taking up knitting or quilting or one of those other all-consuming and painfully useful activities.