The Fall of TV - Part 1

TV is back!

We've finally been saved from the likes of "Dancing with the Stars" by the return of the Fall line-up. But what will you watch? What is worth your time? How can you tell?

Me, that's how.

In the interest of public safety, I'm here to let you in on my choices for this TV season: which ones I'm not touching and want to touch and think are too young to touch without going to jail.

Let’s start with Sunday night:

ABC
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Okay, I’ve only ever seen the last five minutes of this show, and it seems like someone’s always crying. And not just a little bit. Serious bawling. It’s already Sunday night, the sad death of the weekend. Who needs another downer?

Desperate Housewives: Kind of a difficult choice. I mean, does one reward a show with the most irritating character on primetime television (Lynette Scavo), especially after the actress playing that character just won an Emmy? Can the show rise above Mary Alice’s nails-on-a-chalkboard narration? Dare we hope that when they killed Rex, they killed that too? Probably not. I have real concerns about the dumbness of the show’s “mysteries” and how Bree’s character will function without a partner in dysfunction. But Alfre Woodard is joining the cast.

Grey’s Anatomy: Please. What is this show even about? Not medicine, I’ll tell you that.

CBS
Cold Case: I’ve seen a couple of episodes of this show. An interesting little twist on the typical procedural cop show. But, seriously, what is with that mullet-y ponytail on the lead lady?

CBS Sunday Movie: Knowing CBS, it’s probably going to much resemble the weekly movies they show on the Lifetime Women’s Channel, but ever so slightly more wholesome.

NBC
The West Wing: A show I actually like as far as I’ve seen in reruns. Still, I’ve heard that the departure of Aaron Sorkin had not done good things. Up to now, I’ve never been able to try it out in primetime, though.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Much as I sometimes love Vincent D’Onofrio and his mumble-y theatrics, Law & Order is in no way appointment-TV for me.

Crossing Jordan: I have no idea what this show is about. I guess you could tune in if you liked that lady from Law & Order. No, not that one. The other one. With the hair. No, not the Texas lady. The other one.

Fox
The Simpsons: This show is like spinach. I know it is good for me. I like it when I do watch it. I just – never want to.

The War at Home: New family sitcom. Like the ones on CBS, but edgier. Uh-huh.

Family Guy/American Dad: If I’m not going to watch The Simpsons, cultural juggernaut and all, I’m probably not going to tune in for its hatchlings.

The WB
Charmed: I want you to know that if you watch this show, you are marked down on a list, and you can never get your self-respect back. Seriously. The government confiscates it.

Blue Collar TV: Oh, Jeff Foxworthy, proud creator of the “you might be a redneck if…” jokes. You’re still around, mining those truly shallow depths.

The verdict: I’ll probably watch The West Wing (though not religiously) and Desperate Housewives (until it pisses me off). It’s a decision based mostly on a lack of any other options.

Monday – it has to be good to propel me through this particular weekday.

ABC
Wife Swap: The nationally televised outing of many a racist, control freak, misogynist and lazy ass.

Monday Night Football: Ha.

CBS
The King of Queens: I’ve never felt the need to watch this. I’m particularly not a fan of CBS’s penchant for the fat guy/hot wife sitcom, so, yeah. Enjoy your time away from my TV, King of Queens.

How I Met Your Mother: Interesting quandary. This new show has Alyson Hannigan (Willow from Buffy) and Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) in it. Normally the latter wouldn’t even be a consideration. But that was before I saw his hilarious turn (as himself) in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. So, I should want to watch this, right? I watched the first episode and it was fairly funny in places. But the premise seems so tiring (this guy’s telling his kids how he met his wife, but presumably we don’t get to the actual meeting for a long-ass time) and Alyson Hannigan is not the comedic pro I wish she was. She sticks out from the cast like a red-headed thumb and not even NPH’s precise comic timing for cluelessness can save this one for me.

Two and a Half Men: I’m not interested in Charlie Sheen or Duckie from Pretty in Pink.

Out of Practice: Dear Stockard Channing, I know you can be very funny. You really don’t have to do a sitcom with Henry Winkler. Love, Stephanie. PS. I’m really enjoying “Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee” from the Grease soundtrack. Good work.

CSI Miami: CSI is like a procedural on steroids. Someone should stop the madness.

NBC
Surface: Shut-up Lake Bell! Candace Bergen, in her infinite wisdom, pushed you off Boston Legal so you just have to go try to rip off Lost for NBC. Well, I hope Nessie uses you to pick her teeth.

Las Vegas: How is this show still on? Oh, right. Breasts.

Medium: I’ve never really liked Patricia Arquette. She has a strangely hard face. Anyway, I’m not dying to see her be clairvoyant.

Fox
Arrested Development: I can’t believe it took me until the middle of last season to start watching this show. It’s definitely the best thing Fox has going for it. Are you watching it? Because you should be.

Kitchen Confidential: Bradley Cooper, Nicolas Brendan and John Cho. This show would have to do a lot wrong to stop me watching it.

Prison Break: Suspenseful, I’m sure. But, how long can you watch a show where people are waiting to break out of prison? If they actually break out, the show’s over. Talk about your exercise in frustration.

The WB
7th Heaven: Much like Charmed, I wonder at the undead state of this show.

Just Legal: Seriously? Don Johnson? Seriously?

UPN
One on One/All of Us/Girlfriends/Half & Half: All of these look like your typical UPN sitcom. Which is to say, your typical sitcom, but black. Still, Girlfriends is Sam’s particular guilty pleasure, so I’ll let her comment on that if she wants.

The verdict: I’ll be watching Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential, thank you very much. Ultimately, How I Met Your Mother loses out due to my devotion to Xander over Willow. 9:00 looks like a lost cause, but if I decide to be adventurous, I might try Girlfriends on Sam’s recommendation.

My picks for the rest of the week will follow.