Oh, No!
I'm afraid I'm going to get this in the mail:
Dear Ms. Simpson:
We regret to inform you that your feminist license (#4523HD) has been suspended for three weeks pending the completion of the tasks outlined at the bottom of this letter.
We feel we have been patient with you in the past six months, but your continual disregard of basic feminist tenets can no longer be ignored. In the past week alone you:
*made fun of women protesting hospitals' refusal to allow mothers to have VBACs (vaginal births after C-sections). Instead of recognizing that women have the right to decide what to do with their bodies, you sneered at a woman's sign which read, "My Uterus, My Choice." You should have congratulated her--not reminded your friends it was actually her "cooch" that was on the line.
*laughed--nay, guffawed at a misogynist rant in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." We also noticed you find it amusing when Cartman says, "You're breakin' my balls; you're breakin' my balls."
*incorporated the word "slut" into a poem--possibly in an unironic way.
*thought about having children without considering the financial or political ramifications of that decision.
*declared sawing into a medium-rare steak makes you feel "manly." Also, when making a daring move during a euchre game, your statement of grim determination was, "Let's be men."
*enjoyed both "Black Mama, White Mama" and "Foxy Brown," despite their blatant exploitation of women.
*envied skinny women.
Over the years, you have demonstrated great potential, and we still believe you can be an asset to the feminist community. Please use the next three weeks to think about the role you mean to play in that community. You are to read books by female authors (and ignore the white-male-dominated canon for just a moment) and seriously limit your hip-hop, "South Park," and "Chappelle Show" intake. Women have come a long way, but there's still a long road to travel. We do hope you will continue on this journey.
Sincerely,
The Collective
posted by Samantha Simpson at 9:41 AM
3 Comments:
Dude, if you're getting that letter, I'm getting it too. Mine will cite me for:
-listening to and enjoying Guns 'n' Roses, even the most egregious antifeminist songs, like "Rocket Queen."
--envying skinny women.
--using the words "slut" and "pussy" entirely too often (to refer to people of either gender).
--spelling out the word "pussy" when a guy was insulted by it, in order to insult him further.
--when referring to a euchre game, announced that I had gotten it drunk and shepherded it into a corner and now I just needed to seal the deal.
Seriously. I hope the committee never finds me.
2:27 PM
We envy skinny women b/c we’re taught to envy skinny women. That’s totally not your fault. The ass-less jeans for women shaped like 12 year old boys are certainly proof enough but don’t forget that the flat belly is the new cleavage. (Sigh – I miss the good old days when cleavage was cleavage.)
Additionally - There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the word slut or bitch to describe a man. Many of them are sluts and they are rarely called out for being bitchy.
But otherwise, I must agree with the Collective. I think you should memorize one section from the Vagina Monologues and recite it while burning all of your fashion magazines in a bonfire.
PS. To (too ashamed to leave my name): I once used the phrase “tied it down and made it my bitch” to describe my performance on the final exam that completed my Spanish major. So I’m not throwing any stones. In fact, I’ll bring the lighter fluid, marshmallows and graham crackers for the bonfire. We’ll put Sam in charge of bringing the chocolate.
6:37 AM
Oh Samantha,
I was at that meeting when they voted to revoke youre license. When I tried to open my mouth, Stephanie (Who was also there) Was all, "Don't let us get on how you like Angel over Buffy because 'he be so crunk beatin folk up'!"
Yeah.
11:41 AM
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