Literary Death Match

So, Sam's interview brings up an interesting facet of literary study that I personally had yet to consider: the streetfight. I mean, here on this site, we've debated the fighting capabilities of the various Batmans and their ladies, but how important is that when compared to the outcome of a no-holds-barred blowout between Walt Whitman and Emily Dickinson? (She'd win, of course, because she'd force the fight onto familiar ground and conk him on the head with a huge jar of preserves while he was searching for her in the pantry.) In honor of this new form of celebrity death match, I've decided to host a few bouts right here.

Jane Austen takes on Charlotte Bronte

Now, we all know that Charlotte did some trash-talking about Austen back in the day and it's no surprise Jane wants a little payback. But once the bodice-strain and skirt-pulling is over, who is still standing? The favorite going in has to be Bronte. I mean, she's got all that wandering-of-moors training going for her. On the other hand, with all her writing about "powerful emotions," she might be a whiner, not a doer. So while Charlotte is hopping around, cracking her neck and talking a good game, Jane would just pull back for a quick knock-out punch, put that hand behind her back and go sit down in the drawing room for tea.

Advantage: Austen

Flannery O'Connor faces John Berryman

Now, in this match, we're trying to vary things a little by setting a fiction writer and a poet against each other and it should be exciting (like that time Sam and I got into it over Zora Neale Hurston and Jane Austen, or that other time over Heath Ledger). Well, to the question: in a streetfight to the death, what matters more, Southern gothic wit or Northern batshit crazy? Now, hometown pride might make me more likely to choose O'Connor, she of the peacocks and a million and one local anecdotes. But we're talking about a fight here and, as was pointed out to me by Sam, John Berryman would totally pinch some Flannery backfat. He's just like that. Plus, as a woman living in a town with an asylum, Flannery wouldn't necessarily stay far enough away from someone who looks a little nutso. She'd step in too close, and that's when Berryman would pounce, yelling obscenities and spouting off old minstrel routines. Who could fend that off?

Advantage: Berryman

Gabriel Garcia Marquez battles John Donne

When I was taking a class on 17th Century poetry, my professor talked up a rivalry between John Donne and Ben Jonson. Jonson was this robust hard-drinking guy whose process for writing poetry was that he would write it out in prose and then hammer it into a form while Donne was a ladies man, laid back and easy (until he got religion and started asking God to rape him). The choice between these two is clear: Donne is Bugs Bunny and Jonson is Elmur Fudd. So, we must seek a more challenging challenger for Bugs. What about Gabriel Garcia Marquez, another famous lover with the kind of suave finesse that makes the idea of James Bond seem appealing (even when the execution of that idea is off)? Lover man against lover man, who wins? Well, what we really have here is an English priest against Gabriel of the South American brothels. Chances are, as wily and charming as John Donne is, there's some dirty back alley moves he's not going to see coming from Mr. Garcia Marquez. Still, you can't help wanting Gabriel to stop short of really hurting John so that the two of them can do the double-pat guy hug and head out to a bar for some joint trolling.

Advantage: Garcia Marquez