Catfight for Batman

(As requested by Anna)

In this catfight for Batman’s affections, we’ll work backward through the movies to see which lucky lady is the best match for Bruce Wayne and his pointy-headed alter-ego. [Note: I won’t be discussing the women from the Batman series because I haven’t seen it in a long time—my apologies to Eartha Kitt and Julie Newmar.]

Rachel Dawes vs. Pamela Isley vs. Barbara Wilson vs. Julie Madison

Okay, one of the main problems with Batman and Robin is that it’s got too many things going on. Look at all those girls! Of course, none of them were actual players for his attention. Barbara Wilson is more of a romantic lead for Robin. Alicia Silverstone shows up as Alfred’s niece-turned-Batgirl, yet another addition to the Wayne Manor charitable house for adult orphans with hero complexes. She mirrors Robin’s sullen you-can’t-stop-me-from-putting-on-rubber attitude as well as his penchant for motorcycles.

Julie Madison is barely a character. Played by Elle McPherson in what was surely a desperate gambit to get more recognizable names into the movie, she’s Bruce Wayne’s plus-one at charity events. She never gets close to the Batman secret and Bruce doesn’t seem remotely interested in her or concerned for her safety. She’s his beard.

And then there’s Pamela Isley, aka Poison Ivey. Uma Thurman plays Pamela as a cross between Jim Carrey’s crackpot scientist Edward Nigma and Michelle Pfeiffer’s pre-Catwoman Selina Kyle. Unfortunately, she is not only derivative but also annoying as she over-enunciates her way through her plant advocacy tirades. She blows love dust (seriously) on Batman and Robin, but in this cotton candy bloat of a movie, there’s not even the slightest tension that Batman might fall for it. She’s defeated by Batgirl in what must be termed the lamest girlfight ever—full of cheesy puns and pseudo-feminist grandstanding.

And into this malaise of Joel Schumaker cartoonish-ness, we introduce Rachel Dawes from Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne’s childhood friend-turned-Assistant D.A. as played by Katie Holmes. Now, if you’re thinking she’s going to win this bout just because she’s in a better movie…you are absolutely correct.

Advantage: Rachel Dawes

Rachel Dawes vs. Chase Meridian

Still, that win doesn’t give Rachel any kind of advantage in the next round. That’s like running a foot race against your grandmother: your biggest competition is your own pity and shame. The truth is that Rachel, much like Katie Holmes in general, is irritating. As the voice of moral authority in the movie, she is also the angry lecturer, the slapper of faces and sober downer after clearly fun fountain-swimming.

Compare this to Chase Meridian, the woman who totally uses the Bat signal to get a date. Nicole Kidman’s psychologist is the Lois Lane of the Batman movies. She’s way more interested in a date with Batman than the same with Bruce Wayne. And she’s not afraid to call a rubber fetish a rubber fetish. Her damsel in distress quotient is maybe a little higher than Rachel’s, but is even with Robin’s in the same movie.

Advantage: Chase Meridian

Chase Meridian vs. Selina Kyle

Of course, Chase Meridian has her faults. For starters, Chase Meridian has to be the stupidest name for anyone who is not also a bank or map. And based on Nicole Kidman’s accent, Chase seems to hail from some part of the U.S. where they try really hard not to be Australian (with a limited amount of success).

But these detractions aren’t really necessary when comparing Chase to Selina Kyle (aka Catwoman). She’s way out of Chase’s league. Selina is the only one of Batman’s paramours who manages to be both love interest and villain. It’s due to this latter designation that she’s such a well-rounded and developed character. Tim Burton’s films are all about the creation of the villain and Selina Kyle is perhaps his most complicated and interesting exploration. There’s no flip of a switch into a villain. Selina remains vulnerable and vicious throughout. Her connection to Bruce Wayne is powerful enough for him to reveal himself as Batman in front of a witness. Who she then kills.

Advantage: Selina Kyle

Selina Kyle vs. Vicki Vale

Now, the only true competition Selina Kyle has is the woman Tim Burton felt compelled to explain away in her movie: Vicki Vale. Notwithstanding the severe case of the ‘80s that Kim Basinger had to deal with, Vicki manages to be neither shrill nor retiring in her love interest / damsel in distress role. As a photographer, she hilariously thinks Batman may be some natural phenomenon—a freakish man with wings or mutated bat. She sleeps with Bruce Wayne and remains confident enough in her skills that she calls him on his neurotic commitment-phobe bullshit.

Still, at no point in Batman does Vicki Vale dress up in black leather and say, “I don’t know about you Miss Kitty, but I feel much yummier.”

Advantage: Selina Kyle