The Birds and the Bees

You want to know the problem with movies and televisions? We'll tell you the problem with movies and television:

No cross-pollination.

That's right. Characters can only hook up with the people trapped with them in the narrative. And that just isn't fair. In a perfect world,

Mary Bennet (BBC's "Pride and Prejudice) makes a good match with Gilbert ("Thin Man"). The sober, party-pooping Mary would be able to converse with the morbid Gilbert for hours. Alone, they each suck so much, they rule. Together, they could drain all the fun out of a room filled with hundreds of people who only want to dance jigs or solve murder mysteries.

Bruce Wayne (Tim Burton's "Batman") rises to the challenge of wooing Maude Lebowski ("The Big Lebowski"). He's a superhero. The utterance of the word "vagina" doesn't make him uncomfortable. She can tolerate his night habits as long as he supports her art, and they both have a knack for interior design.

Spike Spiegel ("Cowboy Bebop") throws over Julia for Veronica Mars ("Veronica Mars"). He's too cool for school, and she's too shrewd for... dude. Anyway. He could teach her how to smoke and point a gun, and she can use her detective skills to help him capture more bounties. Together, they'd rule both Neptune High and the planet Neptune.

Velma Kelly ("Chicago") trades passionate insults with Eric Cartman ("South Park"). She may seem too glamorous, too old, and too, well, live-action for Cartman, but think about it. Those two would be the most ruthless power couple on the planet. She would help him spice up his Fingerbang routine. Cartman could find a way to bust her out of the big house should she choose to off another enemy. And then they'd sing about it.

Captain Jack Sparrow ("Pirates of the Caribbean") seduces Sugar ("Some Like It Hot"). He's no good. She knows he's no good--but she likes that in a fella. She would play the ukelele for him in that scandalous sequined gown, and he would... well, just be Captain Jack Sparrow all day.

Wesley ("The Princess Bride") whispers sweet nothings to Christian ("Moulin Rouge"). The lovin' doesn't get any more tender than this. Wesley would utter, "As you wish," but Christian wouldn't make any exacting demands. All he needs is love because "love is like oxygen," and it "lifts [them] up where they belong." Their life together--in Christian's Montmarte hovel--would be a continuous honeymoon.

Elizabeth Bennet ("Pride & Prejudice") makes an even better match with Dr. Gregory House ("House"). Mr. Darcy goes soft in the end, and we all know Lizzie likes a man who keeps the charm turned off. The clever, insulting Dr. House would keep our heroine on her toes--and she wouldn't come between him and his other true love, Vicodin.

Peter Venkman ("Ghostbusters") and Michele Weinberger ("Romy and Michele's High School Reunion") double date every Friday night with Doug Remer ("Baseketball") and Romy White. Michele needs a man who can remind her she's the Mary, and Venkman would do so with gusto. Doug and Romy both need lessons in image and keeping it real--although, it wouldn't be so bad if they never learned. In fact, it would be hysterical.

And Morticia Addams ("The Addams Family") snips the roses off the bushes in Rhett Butler's ("Gone with the Wind") garden. She is passionate; he is dashing and virile. Rhett would never doubt for a moment that his black widow of a wife enjoyed his company. He only needs to kiss up and down her arm to send her into a tizzy. Morticia, with his ill-gotten gains, would have some time to "seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade."

Ain't love grand?