Tin Tiaras and the Kiddie Pool

seliseburns: You know, on Wednesday night, Dolores Conchita [names have been changed to protect the pitable] told me she has a major crush on Elijah Wood.
seliseburns: ?
seliseburns: And then, she denigrated my choice of Nicolas Brendan.
seliseburns: What is that?
snovellasimpson: She has a crush on what?
seliseburns: I know!
snovellasimpson: He's like three feet tall.
seliseburns: She's pedophilic, what can I say?
snovellasimpson: I do worry about her. And has she seen Nicholas Brendan? Early Buffy Nick?
seliseburns: I believe so. She seriously told me he wasn't attractive. Compared to Elijah "I'm likely to be typecast as a creepy stalker/cannibal" Wood.
snovellasimpson: I mean, I'm really worried.
snovellasimpson: You know, Erika says I have this disorder where I can't see unattractive people. Sometimes I think I'm alone in a crowded room. Maybe Dolores Conchita has the inverse of that disorder.
seliseburns: Heh.
snovellasimpson: My disorder serves me well, but that girl needs some help.
seliseburns: We were discussing who we would have wild groupie slut sex with.
snovellasimpson: ...
seliseburns: I think we only agreed on Pierce Brosnan in 1982 and Colin Firth.
seliseburns: She was all about Richard Dean Anderson.
snovellasimpson: And barf.
seliseburns: What about you? Trey Parker?
snovellasimpson: Hecks yeah. And J. August Richards. Rowr!
snovellasimpson: I might let James Marsters feel me up. Might.
seliseburns: Heh. I would do David Boreanaz. As long as he didn't talk that much.
snovellasimpson: Hm--I'm trying to think of who else rocks my world--um...
snovellasimpson: See, here's the problem.
snovellasimpson: I love, love, love some celebrity guy until I quite literally can't love him anymore.
seliseburns: Uh-huh.
snovellasimpson: Say Ernie Reyes, Jr. comes up to me right now, and he's like, "What's up, babe?"
snovellasimpson: I'd be like, "Don't touch me."
seliseburns: I understand. I mean, he's Ernie Reyes, Jr. In 2005.
snovellasimpson: Yeah. Barf.
seliseburns: See, that's why Pierce Brosnan in 1982. Because Pierce Brosnan now? Too old. It's creepy.
snovellasimpson: He's got that old man chest-fuzz thing going on.
seliseburns: Yep. Sad, but true.
seliseburns: I'm not ready for that yet. If I grew old with some guy and he got that, okay. But I'm young now and I don't want to go straight from start to old man.
snovellasimpson: So, in the Miss Shallow 2005 pageant which one of us would win?
seliseburns: I think we'd share the title. Acrimoniously.
snovellasimpson: "I love Trey Parker and all, but I can't deal with his hairline. I would also improve the world by wearing make-up. Thank you!"
seliseburns: "I'm leading a crusade against old man fuzz hair. I believe that we should cryogenically preserve our hottest TV and film stars from the moment of their hotness peak. We should then only retreive them from cryo-chambers for quick sexual satisfaction. Vote for me!"
snovellasimpson: "I believe ugly people are not worthy of love or attention. In addition to preserving the beautiful, I think we should use technology and artists' techniques and special effects to blur ugly people's faces."
seliseburns: "Not enough, I say. We should have farms for housing bad, unattractive or annoying actors away from the temptation of Hollywood."
snovellasimpson: "Well played, Miss Milledgeville. But I think we should also arrange for fitness experts and cosmetics specialists to visit these blights on society."
seliseburns: We would totally cut a swathe through the crowd. People would be running over each other to escape the waves of shallow we would radiate.
snovellasimpson: I know I feel like a queen already. (Tiaras look so hot on me.)
seliseburns: I actually have a groove in my head that tiaras naturally fill.
snovellasimpson: Well. You would.