The Attraction Matrix
Sam has always been a pioneer in the organization and bureaucratization of matters of the heart (or pants, as the case may be). When we were in college, she devised an Application for Sexual Favors that had us all in awe. Recently, she's been touting her Attraction Matrix as a surefire way to boil things down to essentials and find a suitable mate. She has tasked me with coming up with my own and I have tried my hardest to assess and project the limits of my attraction to the opposite sex. As they say, the line between love and hate, it is thin.
Positive Attraction Matrix (Points Out of 100)
Can quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer - +10pts
Is a poet or writer - +10pts
Likes old movies as much as new ones - +15pts
Understands the importance of food and me eating it - +15pts
Can engage in banter - +20pts
Likes to walk/hike - +10pts
Extensively read - +10pts
Can quirk an eyebrow - +10pts
Negative Attraction Matrix (Points Out of 100)
Quotes Buffy while also attending a Sci-Fi Convention dressed as a character from Babylon 5 - -15pts
Is a crappy poet or writer - -15pts
Thinks it's great that I'm a poet because I'll read his 3rd grade "Ode to Erasers" - -10pts
Turns up his nose at my cheesier movies, TV shows, books and music - -15pts
Doesn't so much banter as tell bad jokes - -20pts
Lives an irony-free life - -10pts
Likes to hear himself talk, you know, a lot - -15pts
Well, Sam, I've done it. Now, when can expect my new boyfriend? 4 to 6 weeks?
posted by Stephanie Elise Burns at 5:03 AM
8 Comments:
The creator(s) of the Attraction Matrix (tm) cannot guarantee the receipt of a boyfriend.
Thank you again for your interest, and please continue updating your Attraction Matrix (tm).
10:33 AM
The same amount of points assigned for being extensively read and the ability to quote Buffy?
4:33 PM
Being well-read doesn't mean much unless you've read interesting stuff. Buffy is interesting stuff and also indicates a willingness to participate in pop culture, which a well-read person should have. Not all Buffy fans are desirable. I'm looking for a combination of the two.
7:08 AM
Got it. If I were a younger man....
10:03 AM
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8:52 AM
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8:55 AM
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8:56 AM
Stephanie-
I scored an eighty! I think we're the perfect match. If you'd give me your number, address, date or birth, and social security number, we'd be together forever!
Love, Omari
Okay, It's me Erika.
11:32 AM
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