Bumming a Dime

One evening, my sister and I watched Isabella Rosselini charm her way past some armed guards on an episode of "Alias." My sister frowned, and I asked her what was wrong. "Nothing's wrong," she said. "It's just... she's not that fine. And everybody's falling all over her like she's just so sexy." I agreed. My sister continued, "She's a fake dime piece."

That conversation took place over two years ago, and the term "fake dime piece" has become a household word at the Point of Babette. As we hipsters know, a "dime piece," is an exceptionally attractive person--a perfect 10. A fake dime piece, however, has this mysterious something that makes him or her appear exceptionally attractive.

We can't be sure what that mysterious something is. I think it's different for every fake dime piece out there. For example...

Keira Knightley does hold her own in movies like "Bend It Like Beckham" and "Pirates of the Caribbean," but I don't understand why it's taking the world so long to realize how angular her entire body is. When she isn't too thin, she's too plain. I could pass her on the street and not know what I've done.

Jamie Foxx--and this pains me to say--is not terribly attractive. He has small eyes and worn skin. During a viewing of "Dreamgirls" my sister wondered why he looked older than Eddie Murphy in some scenes. He is a fake dime piece, friends. Why haven't you noticed? He's an Academy Award-winning actor with a sharp sense of humor and a silky-smooth singing voice. It took me a while to notice, too.

Uma Thurman causes men to battle bumblebees and crash their bikes in the movie "The Truth About Cats and Dogs." Stephanie and I had a difficult time, however, understanding how her "beauty" overshadowed Janeane Garofalo's. Yes, she's leggy, and she's blonde, and she knows how to wield a sword--but her eyes are all bulbous. And she has man hands.

Josh Holloway. Sorry, "Lost" fans. Sawyer's head is too small for his body. Seriously--he's like that safari hunter waiting in the underworld social worker's office at the end of "Beetlejuice." Not hot.

Cameron Diaz's head always reminds me a little of pancakes. No, there isn't a way to explain that. That's all I have. Like Uma Thurman, her blonde hair and long legs make it easy for the unattentive viewer to call her a dime piece. It also doesn't hurt that she's willing to play the kind of charming and hot tomboy the fellas are into these days. But let's be honest. If Justin Timberlake did, in fact, dump her for Jessica Biel--could you blame him?

Chad Michael Murray is in permanent pout mode. I imagine he'll still have angst-face well into his 30s and 40s. Perhaps it's the often frosted hair and that studied nonchalance that make the girls swoon, but there's not much else there. There's a vacuum behind those eyes.

Virginia Madsen, according to Stephanie, wasn't worth Paul Giamatti's attention in "Sideways." Yes, that's harsh, but maybe she has a point there. The skin of her face seems so... washed out. And it might be just us, but she's so smug. She floated around "Prairie Home Companion" with an air of superiority--and, yes, we know she was an angel of death--but did she have to be so smarmy about it? We later realized--that's just her face.

That's only a handful of fake dime pieces. I'm sure you could think of more. And it's not that we don't appreciate quirky, unconventional beauty in the media. Often, fake dime pieces remind us of how lovely we all are.

However, we can't help wondering if it's realistic for a cadre of 30-something military beefcakes to want to bang Isabella Rosselini?