PSA: How to Make a SCARY Scary Film

'Tis the season to have the bejesus scared out of you. If you--or anyone you know--is an aspiring filmmaker, you can follow these easy steps to ensure that your movie makes your audience shriek with terror:

1. Know the classics. "Nosferatu" was made before sound and before color. And CGI? Fuhgeddaboudit. I saw that movie once--just once--four years ago, and I still get chills when I think of the shadow of the vampire's long, skeletal fingers inching along the wall. There's power in the well-crafted image. Use it.

2. Understand human biology and behavior. I learned in tenth grade that human beings have an instinct for self-preservation. That means that if I suspect a man with knives for fingers lives in my basement, then I don't go into the basement--at least not without a weapon. The characters in horror films should at least pretend they have a chance of making it to the end of the reel. (See: Nancy in "A Nightmare on Elm Street," who says, "I'm into survival.") That way, it's really scary when the killer/ghost/fog wastes them.

3. Hire ACTORS. Nothing turns a frightfest into vaudeville like an inexperienced ingenue squawking lines she could barely read on her own. When bad actors die, the audience rejoices. (See: "Masterpieces of Schadenfreude.") Think of how Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, and even that little girl from the "Poltergeist" movies committed to their craft. Look for that during the auditions.

4. Make a set of monster rules and keep to them. "The Grudge" had a simple rule, albeit a flexible one: If you step into the house, the ghost will kill you. The premise is chilling because the victims did nothing to deserve the wet hair treatment. "The Grudge 2," however, breaks that rule, then adds addendums and amendments. The ghost can now purchase a passport. The ghost has a mother who can speak perfect English. The ghost makes great cheese balls for a nominal fee. The ghost is now stupid.

5. Skip the Oprah-inspired backstory. Why is that wet-girl from "The Ring" so very naughty? The sequel tells us it's because she never had a mother. Well, boo-fucking-hoo. Unless the monster's backstory adds to its scariness, don't bother telling it. When the audience learns Freddy Krueger is the "bastard son of a hundred maniacs," they know there's no cure for his psychosis. That's a real backstory.

6. Consult the Bible. The books of Isaiah and the Revelation contain some of the most compelling apocalyptic images. There's no copyright on that stuff; use it!

7. Eschew the remake--and the sequel. Nothing says creative desperation quite like a remake of a horror movie that didn't need retelling. The world is pretty scary, and the stories are out there. If you're really committed to scaring the bejesus, the dickens, and the crap out of people, then you have to find new stories.

You're welcome.