Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From...

Constantino's Pregnant Bride
Catherine Spencer

1. Italianglish is the most seductive language on earth.

2. Nothing spells romance like delaying intercourse until her cervix is ship-shape again.

3. A man can be "disturbingly attractive" without being Dracula. (Though you'll be hard-pressed to find such a man.)

4. "Her skin vibrated with awareness of him, the very pores seeming to reach out to absorb the texture of him." Yeah, it's like that.

5. Women are worth twice as much as Ferraris, three times as much as Lambhorginis.

6. Yes, he fills the house with flowers and buys you jewelry. Sure, he makes you dinner then washes the dishes. And, of course, he married you after he found out about the baby. That doesn't mean he loves you. He has to say it.

7. "It takes a lot more than one night of sex to build the solid foundation for marriage." Except not really.

8. Your wife comes before your mother--even if your mother has a brain tumor and could, you know, die.

9. "This time, he was the one who groaned, a feral, primitive sound. The sound of a warrior facing insurmountable odds." That's right. Hot sex counts as an insurmountable odd; contact your Congressperson.

10. Your mother could have a brain tumor, and she could push your wife down the stairs, and your wife could, in turn, leave you for not paying enough attention to her--but there is such a thing as happily ever after.