Tony Danza Cuts in Line

I have had "Old School Hollywood" by System of a Down stuck in my head for days. And since the refrain of that song is "Old school Hollywood baseball/Me and Frankie Avalon," it's no surprise that I've been thinking up my own fantasy old school Hollywood baseball team.

Managed by Groucho Marx and armed with a powerful arsenal of intimidation and distraction, the Fighting Moguls will cut a swathe through the competition. Here's the line-up:

1. Cary Grant as pitcher. I like him in the thick of things.

2. Joan Crawford as catcher. This is the intimidation part. When she's not glaring a batter down or aiming a spiked heel at a runner to protect home base, she'll be deriding them with anal retentive comments about the cleanliness of their uniforms.

3. Katherine Hepburn at first base. Because someone on the field should actually be able to play.
4. William Powell at second base. He's just a good guy in a pinch.

5. Clark Gable at third base. Again with the intimidation. The right-handed batters will be able to see him out of the corner of their eyes from home. He'll just be there, smiling that Clark Gable I've-got-something-up-my-sleeve-and-only-I'm-gonna-like-it smile.

6. Marilyn Monroe as shortstop. She's the cornerstone of the distraction strategy. She'll be right over the pitcher's shoulder in the batter's line of sight.

7. Harpo Marx in left field. A different and yet equally important form of distraction. I'm counting on Harpo's antics to keep batters' eyes off the ball.

8. Carol Lombard in center field. I just think she'd have fun out there with Harpo.

9. Danny Kaye in right field. Distraction for those left-handed batters.

Alternates: Jane Russell, Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day

So there. My fantasy old school Hollywood baseball team could totally beat yours. If you made one. Which you should. It's fun.