Yard Sale!

I live in a one-bedroom apartment. Not even. It's more like a studio with a wall that's polite enough to separate the living area from the bedroom. I call my cozy place "Fake Paris" because it has the ambition and the drive to become an iconic place--but that's about it.

I'll be spending my last night in Fake Paris tonight. Here's what I can't figure out: I'm not done packing. There are only so many square feet in that place, yet I'm still finding things in the closets and under the bed and in the kitchen behind the refrigerator. I've been packing for three days straight, and there's no end in sight.

So, could I interest y'all in a few items from the Sam Simpson Home Collection?

*Three Years Worth of Bank Statements From an Account I No Longer Hold ($10)--These are a steal! Now you can know exactly how many Burger King Doublecheeseburger Meals I purchased in 2003!

*Tissue Paper and Envelopes ($.50 each)--Did you ever send me a letter or a gift? I loved it! But apparently I loved the stationery too! Now you can have it back!

*Plastic Grocery Bags ($.30 each)--If I can convince myself I'll need them for later, I can convince you, too.

*Silhouette and Harlequin Romance Novels (2 for $4.50)--I've doggeared the steamiest sex scenes so you don't have to!

*boySam's Mathematical Proof That Chuck Norris Is the Perfect Man for Me ($10)--You won't believe it until you see it--and even then you might have a little trouble.

*Outdated Coupons for Northland Fruit Juice ($.05)--Yeah, I don't know.

*Duplicate Rough Drafts of Both College and Master's Theses ($100 each/$150 for a set)--When I'm famous, you could say you own the garbage that became my masterpiece.

*Notebooks with One Page of Writing in Them, No More, No Less ($2 each)--I might have a problem writing in these "used" notebooks, but that doesn't mean you should. You get a discount if any of the pages are ripped!

And more! Everything must go! Remember, you get a free out-of-ink pen with every purchase!