Conversations with My Roommate

Me: I'm not interested in the ontology of things.

Sam: The...cancer of things?

***

Sam: Wasn't it that Prometheus was eternally punished for helping humans and even now there are vultures ripping out his liver?

Me: Yeah. He never got free from it.

Sam: You know why I know that?

Me: Why?

Sam: Because I'm not Percy!

Me: ...

Sam: Oh, burn! [cackles]

***

[In the car on the way to work.]

Sam: F-bomb!

Me: What?!?

Sam: I forgot my coffee. It's sitting on the counter at home.

Me: I'm sorry. Wait, why didn't you just drink it at home?

Sam: It was too hot. I like to hold it in my hands before I drink it because it's too hot at first.

Me: Okay...

Sam: Shut up, Stephanie! Don't judge me!

***

Sam: Stephanie. Why did you write this episode of Lois and Clark?

Me: What?

Sam: No really, Stephanie. Why did you write this?

Me: Look, I was really young. I wanted Lois to find out that Clark was Superman by sleeping with both of them and waking up all, "Whoa. Same guy." But the network was against it. So I settled for this cheek-brushing thing.

Sam: ...

Sam: I guess that makes sense.