Masterpieces of Schadenfreude

For Sam's birthday, we went rollerskating. A teeny little girl (read: devil) in pink appeared in front of me standing stock still in the rink. In recognition and celebration of my recently injured rear end and the joy it gives to so many people who are not me, I've decided to dedicate a blog entry to that delicate and elusive comedy: Schadenfreude.

Dictionary.com says that it translates literally as "damage joy" which seems an inappropriately poetic way to describe the entire slapstick comedy genre, but what it really means is finding humor in someone else's misfortune, whatever that may be. I've rated the following from 1 to 10 depending on how happy you should be that you are not the person or persons you are watching.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Perry: "Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?" Harry: "A picture of me?" Perry: "No! The definition of idiot. Which you fucking are!" You enjoy Harry as a punching bag for Perry's wit. You enjoy his bumbling impersonation of a detective. You even enjoy his detachable, re-attachable, edible fingertip. 6.

Mean Girls - There is that scene where Gretchen Wieners stands up to make her apology and fall backwards into a crowd of girls, only the apology she makes is "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me...but I can't help it that I'm popular," and everyone except Karen backs away from catching her. Your enjoyment of their fall: 6.

Newsradio - In one second season episode, Bill can't get past security without his ID. At one point, Dave comes down and vouches for him and the security guards joke around with the two of them. The minute Dave leaves, the guards drop their smiles and block Bill from getting to the elevator. You laugh at his pain in the amount of 6.

I Was a Male War Bride - There's no perfect storm like being caught in the loops of army bureaucracy. In drag with a horsehair wig (fresh from the horse) after a night of sleepless wandering? 7 is the number for how happy you can be that you are you, not him.

Drop Dead Gorgeous - One girl blows up on a tractor. A stage light falls on another. Amber's mom survives a trailer fire with her fingers melted into a beer can. Every girl in the state pageant gets food poisoning from bad shellfish. Becky-Ann Leeman blows up in the belly of a giant paper mache swan. 7 is how much joy you get from their damage.

Some Like It Hot - From wobbling in high heels to frustrated male-in-drag desire for female who doesn't know he's in drag to running in said high heels from the mob, you chuckle away at the many misfortunes of Joe and Jerry. Your pleasure rings up to 7.

Bridget Jones's Diary - Her thong made a television appearance. 7.

Bringing Up Baby - First, it's a golf ball. Then, it's his car. Then, it's his intercostal clavicle and an elusive million dollar donation to the museum. These are the things Susan, her dog and her leopard keep from David in an ever-escalating series of misadventures. How happy can you be that you are not trying to keep a hungry leopard from devouring a truckful of chickens and very expensive swans? Happy to the amount of 8.

I Love Lucy - Sure, you love her, but do you want to be her? Getting drunk while filming a commercial or constantly embarrassing yourself by trying to get into your husband's act? No to the power of 9.

Arrested Development - Lucille Bluth is not your mother. 9.

The Office - How happy are you that you are neither digging yourself a conversational grave as David Brent nor one of his employees trying to keep a straight face? 10. That's how much.

And with that, I charge you to go out into the world and laugh heartily at other people's pain. In their faces. Unless they happen to be bigger than you.