Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Heroes
If you haven't been watching Heroes, I feel sorry for you.
Not only are you missing out on a really fun (and recently awesome) show, but you are also disregarding all the valuable life lessons to be learned therein. If you're wondering how to survive in life, perhaps even how to get ahead as though you were a person who was genetically evolved past the rest of humanity, read on, friend.
1) Don't let death stop you. If you find yourself splayed out on an autopsy table with your ribs taking in some fresh air, don't despair! Just close yourself back up, grab a lab coat and get on with your life. And if that life includes tormenting your attempted rapist and actual murderer, so much the better!
2) Play to your strengths. So you're invisible. Sure, you could whine about how nobody can see you and you feel so insignificant. But that would be lame. Instead, take advantage of the fact that you can live off the fat of the land, consequence-free. Whether you aspire to be an excellent purse-snatcher or to...raise pidgeons on a roof, you should go right ahead.
3) Drugs are good. If you know you can't control your murderous alter-ego or you desperately need to sedate a brain-eating murderous psychopath or you just shot your ex-girlfriend and you need to paint the future, brother, break out the tourniquet.
4) It's better to be a liar than to be crazy. If you haven't been altogether subtle about your new mind-reading and your big mouth plus the fact that you punched that guy sleeping with your wife have landed you in a disciplinary meeting, retract everything. Sure, you'll get suspended, but you won't get an all-expenses-paid vacation in a padded cell.
5) Science is bad for your health. Why? It's very distracting. It makes you concentrate on it and not the fact that large creepy dude you just met is, in actuality, a brain-eating murderous psychopath. It will also distract you at crucial moments, such as when he is about to turn into a brain-eating murderous psychopath just so he can be special or when he is about to stop that handy brain-numbing IV drip you put on him so he wouldn't be able to kill you with his mind. I'm just saying: Science--do yourself a favor and give it a rest.
6) Get a haircut. If you're not careful, somebody is going to do it for you. And they just might take a hunk of your brain with it.
7) Your kid? Knows what you're doing. Whether it's running an internet stripping site out of the garage or blackmailing her other biological parent for loads of money or working at what we can all agree is not a paper company, your kid is on to you.
8) You can't change the future. You can paint it. You can dream about it. You can visit it. You can prepare for it. You can whine about how you're gonna blow up. But you can't change it.
9) It helps to be pragmatic. If you have to punch a girl, punch a girl. If you have to eat brains to get superpowers, eat brains. If you have to throw a dude off a tall building so he'll stop whining at you (and learn how to fly), throw a dude off a tall building.
10) Product placement is for chumps. Product destiny is the new hotness.
Not only are you missing out on a really fun (and recently awesome) show, but you are also disregarding all the valuable life lessons to be learned therein. If you're wondering how to survive in life, perhaps even how to get ahead as though you were a person who was genetically evolved past the rest of humanity, read on, friend.
1) Don't let death stop you. If you find yourself splayed out on an autopsy table with your ribs taking in some fresh air, don't despair! Just close yourself back up, grab a lab coat and get on with your life. And if that life includes tormenting your attempted rapist and actual murderer, so much the better!
2) Play to your strengths. So you're invisible. Sure, you could whine about how nobody can see you and you feel so insignificant. But that would be lame. Instead, take advantage of the fact that you can live off the fat of the land, consequence-free. Whether you aspire to be an excellent purse-snatcher or to...raise pidgeons on a roof, you should go right ahead.
3) Drugs are good. If you know you can't control your murderous alter-ego or you desperately need to sedate a brain-eating murderous psychopath or you just shot your ex-girlfriend and you need to paint the future, brother, break out the tourniquet.
4) It's better to be a liar than to be crazy. If you haven't been altogether subtle about your new mind-reading and your big mouth plus the fact that you punched that guy sleeping with your wife have landed you in a disciplinary meeting, retract everything. Sure, you'll get suspended, but you won't get an all-expenses-paid vacation in a padded cell.
5) Science is bad for your health. Why? It's very distracting. It makes you concentrate on it and not the fact that large creepy dude you just met is, in actuality, a brain-eating murderous psychopath. It will also distract you at crucial moments, such as when he is about to turn into a brain-eating murderous psychopath just so he can be special or when he is about to stop that handy brain-numbing IV drip you put on him so he wouldn't be able to kill you with his mind. I'm just saying: Science--do yourself a favor and give it a rest.
6) Get a haircut. If you're not careful, somebody is going to do it for you. And they just might take a hunk of your brain with it.
7) Your kid? Knows what you're doing. Whether it's running an internet stripping site out of the garage or blackmailing her other biological parent for loads of money or working at what we can all agree is not a paper company, your kid is on to you.
8) You can't change the future. You can paint it. You can dream about it. You can visit it. You can prepare for it. You can whine about how you're gonna blow up. But you can't change it.
9) It helps to be pragmatic. If you have to punch a girl, punch a girl. If you have to eat brains to get superpowers, eat brains. If you have to throw a dude off a tall building so he'll stop whining at you (and learn how to fly), throw a dude off a tall building.
10) Product placement is for chumps. Product destiny is the new hotness.
posted by Stephanie Elise Burns at 8:29 AM
2 Comments:
I like it! I like it! And I quoted it the other day because some kid did something smart and I was all, "What did we learn from Heroes? Your kid...is on to you." And I was witty. Boy was I witty. But sadly I was talking to Samantha, who knew what I was talking about.
3:08 PM
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1:53 AM
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