Here We Go...

You'll have to pardon me.

The moment we seal away the left over turkey in Tupperware, I enter Curmudgeon Mode, and it's not pretty. I wage open war against Christmas. I want to be nice, but I can only manage naughty.

I decided, then, to try to stave off my crankiness with a list of things that I should continue to be thankful for after I've shoved away from the table on Thursday evening. I'm obviously grateful to have awesome friends and a killer grad student lifestyle (no, really!), but this is about the little things:

1. Purple Rain/Prince and the Revolution: It's the only soundtrack to my life that has nothing to do with my life. And it makes me think of family. When I was a lass, my mother and I cleaned the house to the strains of "Darling Nikki." That's right, the song Tipper Gore protested for the sake of children everywhere. I played broom guitar to that song and went on to have a 4.0 average throughout my grade school career.

Thanks, Prince and the Revolution.

2. Cake: Sweet, delicious, calorie-free when shared with friends. Also the name of a sweet, delicious, calorie-free band. Coincidence? I think not.

Thanks, Cake.

3. Online quizzes: I like to say I don't ever get bored, but there are moments where I have no idea what to do with myself. An online quiz can put me back on track. I've learned from scientifically trained Tickle associates that I am "smart 'n' sexy" and my animal magnetism is equal to that of a penguin's. And penguins are so hot right now.

Thanks, online quizzes, you're a pal.

4. Um, well--I really can't think of a number 4 because the holiday season ticks me off that much. And you know why?

1. Christmas songs: Can you think of anything creepier than "Carol of the Bells"? I think not. Go ahead, start humming it to yourself. Didn't the hairs on the back of your neck go straight up?

Shut up, carols.

2. Retail chicanery: You know, there are no real deals or steals until after Christmas day. Those store managers put up all that POP to trick you into buying things you and your family don't need. Actually, that doesn't bother me as much the fact that Target is now so crowded I can't wander the aisles without bumping into a woman and her cartload of demanding children.

Shut up, capitalism.

3. Cheese: Yuletide cheer? Good will toward men? God bless us everyone? Stop it.

Shut up, lameness.

4. Winter: It doesn't matter how high the you turn the thermostat. Your feet will remain frozen until teaser-spring in March.

Shut up, ice and snow.

5. Christmas songs: Maybe if Prince released a funky holiday album, I would be able to stop humming "Carol of the Bells."

Why can't we just have Halloween twice?

Duly note that I did try that whole Happy Holidays thing. I will be Grinching out in my apartment until Christmas Eve, plotting surefire methods to steal your Christmas. You have been warned.