"Love Never Dies," Right? (OLL #5)

"I have travelled across oceans of time to find you..."

Gary Oldman, Gary Oldman--

What are we going to do with you?

To celebrate Halloween I rented "Bram Stoker's Dracula," starring you, Winona Ryder, Sadie Frost, and Keanu Reeves. My feelings for the film have begun to waver; it gets cheesier by and by. However, I can't understand the way I feel about you, Gary Oldman. What are you?

Are you hot or not? I can't figure it out.

In "Dracula," you are brutally hot, despite the fact that you're wearing a top hat and crazy-long hair--and sometimes a monster face. It's all that love-talk, all that passion. It's lame for an aged vampire to weep for his mortal beloved, but you sold it.

Your hotness-in-question bore me through that abominable version of "The Scarlet Letter." Yes, that is my "I [Heart] Dimmesdale" t-shirt. Puritan ministers never looked so good. And you as Sirius Black in "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"? Gary Oldman, I'm so Sirius-ly. Get it? Yeah, I know, bad joke, but your hotness made me do it.

But then you become Commissioner Gordon in "Batman Begins." I didn't even know you were there. Because you weren't... hot. And was that actually you in "The Fifth Element"? Because also not... hot. And what was happening to your hair and your face in that Beethoven movie? Not hot. You also chose to be Lee Harvy Oswald in "JFK," which means you were advancing toward not-hotness. On purpose.

I'm confused, Gary Oldman. I think I know how I would react to certain celebrities if I met them on the street. For example, I'd try to be cute and clever for someone like Jake Gyllenhaal. I'd do the whole wigging out groupie thing for Rasputina. (Don't judge me.) But you--do I check you out? Do we strike up a discussion on Classical drama? I just don't know because I don't know if you're hot or not.

Gary Oldman, help. Take a stand. Be decidedly hot or decidedly not. Either way, I'll love you the same.

Sirius-ly,
Sam