OHM #5: Karmic Math

Dear Universe,

Um... really?

Kindly explain this equation:

Staying In School + Not Kicking Puppies + Wearing Underwear + Recycling =

Dead Transmission in 5-Year-Old Car One Week Before I'm Supposed to Visit My Family For Christmas

Is this your idea of a joke? I took a physics course and a religion course in college, so I can see this karmic math is clearly wrong. According to my calculations, the equation should work this way:

Staying In School + Not Kicking Puppies + Wearing Underwear + Recycling =

Functioning Transmission in 5-Year-Old Car + "Sweeney Todd" with My Family on Christmas Day

Or:

Staying in School + Recycling + Not Watching "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" =

Dinner with Ryan Gosling

See how that karmic math works? Universe, I'm beginning to suspect you don't understand math at all. I'm still smarting from this analytical gaffe on your part:

Finishing Anna Karenina + Not Marrying Kevin Federline=

Tonsilitis

Wrong again, Universe. See how you miscalculated there? Your calculations should have brought you here:

Finishing Anna Karenina + Not Marrying Kevin Federline=

New Shoes

That should have been an easy one. Please make sure you check your work in the future. I find these reckless calculations on your part tiresome--and expensive. My patience (and funds) are wearing thin, but I'm a relatively generous teacher. Perhaps you can do some practice equations like this one:

Dead Transmission + Holiday Blues Today = ?

a) Cancer of the Puppy

b) Free Drinks at the Bar

c) Regifted Fruitcake

d) Brand New Job (with Pay Raise!) in 2008

Choose carefully, Universe. I'll keep believing in you, but you've got to exercise your potential for good math.

I Mean, Really?

Sam