Hawaii-phobe

In a matter of hours, I will be boarding a plane headed toward Washington, DC. And then I'll board another plane headed toward Seattle, WA. And then I'll board another plane headed toward.... final stop.... Honolulu, Hawaii.

Deal with that, friends.

This will be only my second trip west of the Mississippi and my first time ever seeing the Pacific Ocean, live and in color. Naturally, I'm a bundle of nerves--and not just because I never believed those statistics that indicate car travel is more dangerous than airplane travel.

I fear, Babetteers, I have unrealistic expectations for Hawaii, including but not limited to:

--appearances by Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon in their ongoing mission to stuff wild bikinis.

--men wearing Tom Selleck-style moustaches, 80s edition. I'll admit to nursing a small crush on Magnum, PI, but those were different times, and now that kind of facial hair is inappropriate.

--mandatory coconut bras.

--human sacrifices to an angry volcano god. I don't believe there is any historical evidence to support this particular expectation, but it's here nonetheless.

--space aliens. "Lilo & Stitch" wasn't supposed to be a horror movie, but I found it terrifying nonetheless.

--vegetables made of Spam.

If you can offer any encouragement--or tips for avoiding those Spam vegetables--let me know ASAP.