Eulogy for Radical Edward

Friends, I'm sorry to report that my computer, Radical Edward, has passed away. Though this death was not untimely (I believe Lincoln saved a couple of drafts of the Gettsyburg Address on Rad Eddie), it was undignified. I pressed the power button and heard only the feeble whirring of whatever part makes it turn on.

Don't be sad. And don't dwell on the fact that Radical Edward's life has left a giant CPU-shaped hole in your hearts. Instead, let's remember the good times:

1. Making Mixes for Boys. Though I could not surf the Internet with this particular computer, I could craft mix CDs straight from the heart for my crushes. My hands trembled as I selected songs for the nefarious boySam but Radical Edward kept whirring and humming into the night while I decided between Smashing Pumpkins and Aaliyah, Harvey Danger and En Vogue.

And did Radical Edward judge me when I created a Bummer Mix after the boySam frenzy died? No. That MusicMatch Jukebox worked the same kind of magic.

2. Writing Buffy Poems. Stephanie and I had the bright idea to write poems about every episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." It's still a bright idea, even if we have abandoned it, and Radical Edward lived long enough to see me through the complete seventh season of the best series ever.

3. Creating My First Syllabi. Oh, the summer of 2006! I was so academically ambitious, and Radical Edward's spell check was en pointe.

4. Writing My Master's Thesis. How many times did I change the ending of "Believe Me"? Only Radical Edward knows. Again, that old computer stayed up all night, saving and re-saving those stories I had to complete in order to earn the degree that would make me millions.

(That's right, friends. Millions. Don't let these struggling writers fool you. Stephanie and I are tremendously wealthy because we write.)

5. Arguing with the HP Printer Guy. Radical Edward once belonged to Stephanie's family, and they gave him to me so I would have to spend all my free time in the computer lab at graduate school. I loved Rad Ed, but he didn't take too kindly to my attempts to attach him to a brand new printer, thus prompting my phone call to Hewlett-Packard. That call went something like this--

Me: Look, this thing doesn't work. Make me make it work.

HP Dude: Can you find the USB port?

Me: The what?

HP Dude: Never mind. Maybe you should try to get a friend and see if the printer works with their computer.

Me: I just moved here. I don't have any friends, okay?!

And I began to cry. I packed up that printer and returned it to the store, and then Radical Edward and I were alone together, two machines new to Greensboro.

Good times. Rest well, Rad Ed. You were old and mean, and I often spilled ramen juice and tea on your keyboard... but we were good together. I'll miss you...