Merry Freakin' Christmas

It is widely publicized (mostly by herself) that Samantha is acting treasurer of the Bah Humbug! club, founded jointly by Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch before either one were brainwashed with Christmas spirit. This is, therefore, her least favorite time of the year. I've decided to help her through these painful weeks with a few suggestions to alleviate her difficulties. If you are of a like mind, it might help you too. Oh, and you should really look into joining the club.

1.) Problem: Caroling. They're doing it and you're hating it. It's not a 'silent night' if you're singing, is it?
Solution: This is where your stereo system comes in handy. The baby Jesus saw fit to give you killer speakers, so why not blast Whatever Happened to Mary by Chumbawamba?

2.) Problem: Shopping sucks. Shopping for things I can't keep? Sucks more.
Solution: Okay, you have to buy gifts. But nobody said you had to buy perfect gifts. I mean sure, you're obligated to get a gift for that coworker whose name you drew in the Secret Santa, but you shouldn't let that get you down. Think of the potential for classic badly-hidden sour expressions when she opens your gift to find...a clearance-rack Santa sweatshirt. Or a ouija board.

3.) Problem: Seriously Jimmy Stewart! Nobody cares about angel wings!
Solution: Rent Ghostbusters, Rushmore, and Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Repeat use as necessary over the coarse of the holiday season.

4.) Problem: They're gonna make me go to church. I don't wanna.
Solution: If you've got to go, prepare yourself. Make time 2 hours before and watch Dogma. Then, while you're in church, you can imagine all the nativity stories with Alanis Morisette cast as God and Alan Rickman doing all her talking: "Okay, for reasons clearly beyond all our understandings, God would like to impregnate a virgin woman. Again. Some more. Gabriel, I'm going to need you to find us some candidates. And for goodness sake, this time find us someone everyone knows is a virgin. It's not much of a miracle if she turns up pregnant and some biddy down the road saw her last week up in a hayloft with the butcher's son, now is it?"

5.) Problem: The combination of the colors red and green is nauseating.
Solution: Be Elvis. Be Johnny Cash. Wear your sunglasses inside. Not only will everyone be forced to acknowledge your rock stardom, you also won't be able to see a damn thing. Which should help with the nausea. For the tripping and bruises, you're on your own.

If this didn't solve all your problems, I'm here to help. Just ask and I'll find you a way to survive these things we call holidays.