Open Ambivalence Letter #1: John Cusack

Dear John Cusack,

I can't decide about you.

In Being John Malkovich, you were one lonely greasy puppeteer. A puppeteer! Who got a kick out of crawling into John Malkovich's head! How cool is that? Not only that, but you being in that movie helped support the career of one of my favorite screenwriters - Charlie Kaufman.

You've made some other good choices. Grosse Point Blank is hilarious; Better Off Dead, without peer. My favorite scenes in Sixteen Candles involve you, skinny little geek that you were, being manhandled in and out of the trunk of a car.

Then there are the movies you've made that make me question my taste a little. You are such an ass in High Fidelity that it's not you or your odd-looking girlfriend that make that movie fun for me It is, of course, Jack Black, who stole every single scene he was in - and left a few thumbprints on ones he wasn't. I hate that I always laugh at America's Sweethearts. It's such a Hollywood in-joke and Julia Roberts-vanity-role movie. But I still find it funny. So, I'm okay with you choosing to do those movies.

What I am not okay with: Serendipity. You, Kate Beckinsale, Molly Shannon and Jeremy Piven ought to be heartily ashamed. I would add Eugene Levy to that list, but I think he needs to be ashamed of other things first, namely that Olsen twins movie he did not too long ago. Here I am, trying my hardest not to write off the romantic comedy entirely, and there you go coming out with the sappiest piece of crap I've ever had the misfortune to pay money to see. (And that's saying something. 'Cause I did see Kate & Leopold. The one where Meg Ryan actually chooses to go back in time and be oppressed for the rest of her life.) I mean, seriously, John Cusack? An entire movie named after and advertising an ice cream sundae shop? And you couldn't see the sickly sweet coming? Kate Beckinsale's character manufactures every single obstacle in the whole movie, just, you know, for fun. You spend the whole movie half-heartedly thumbing through books at used book stores instead of getting over Ms. Headcase. What kind of a fan do you take me for, John Cusack? I can't sanction that kind of behavior.

Recently, rather than rectify this situation, you have added insult to injury. Because you know what Must Love Dogs is, John Cusack? It is salt, poured with generous and sadistic abandon over those Serendipity papercuts. There's no tricking me again, though. I'm staying far away from it. Until it comes out on cable and I'm bored and need a new reason to hate myself for wasting time.

Because, I still can't hate you, John Cusack. I still might want to see The Ice Harvest on DVD. You've done (and are still doing) some bad things. But you've also done some good. You're like this addict constantly relapsing into crap movies. And that means, I can't ever trust you enough to see all your movies. But I also can't leave you alone. Because, who knows? You could have a sober day and pick out another Being John Malkovich.

You've forced me into this ambivalence, John Cusack. It is all your fault.

Very sincerely yours (on days when you're not crap),
Stephanie