Bait is Usually More Tempting

This is always the way: Those end-of-the-year best/worst movie lists you see everywhere in December linger over into January and gradually morph into Oscar predictions (thereby dropping the most interesting category--the worst). It's all Oscar predictions, from here until February, because even when the columnist swears they're predicting the SAG Awards or the Golden Globes, they're talking about the Oscars.

Now, this year, Jon Stewart will be hosting, which means they've managed to secure my viewership far in advance of my usual "grumble grumble FINE! I'll watch it! But only for the fashion suicides!" But that doesn't mean I won't be irritated and wearied by the complete inevitability of all the awards.

I mean, I'm already weary. Hollywood has been churning out heavy-handed Oscar bait for three months now--much longer if you count Cinderella Man, which came out in June--and all that pretentiousness is very tiring.

The first and most obvious trait of an Oscar bait movie is that it comes out right at the end of the year. This has the practical advantage of keeping the movie fresh in people's minds right around the time the Academy votes. If a movie opens in December, it could still be at the local movie theater while the Awards are going on. You might have noticed (as I have) that there are still ads for that Kiera Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice--a blatant attempt to build Oscar buzz for a crappy movie (not that I'm biased or anything).

The second trait is that the movie takes itself really, really seriously. The actors give interviews that repeat the words "inspiring story" and "incredible journey" (mix and match nouns and adjectives as you will). It's about mine workers or political refugees or people poisoned by their drinking water. The previews have no jokes--just pained expressions and swelling music.

Another dead giveaway (though not necessarily true of all bait) is that the actor or actress in the lead role has gone through some sort of physical transformation to play the part. Think Charlize Theron and her "I can be ugly too" makeover. Nicole Kidman and her prosthetic Virginia Woolf nose. Ralph Fiennes doubling as a raisin in The English Patient. I mean, when Julia Roberts puts on a push-up and takes a crimping iron to her hair, you know she's out to get an Oscar.

Of course, all my bitterness about these obvious Oscar contenders stems from those times when I was younger and more naive and I had my heart set on some off-beat contender, some comedy that might win. And did you see how Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was almost totally ignored last year? Yeah, there's bitterness.

So, this year I've seen Munich, Memoirs of a Geisha, Syriana, Walk the Line, King Kong (not quite the same thing: it's a spectacle movie that relies on the same thing that got Lord of the Rings its Oscars), and Brokeback Mountain. I guess I'm rooting for that last, because as tortured situation movies go, it's pretty pretty. Pretty men, pretty landscape. Munich has the incomparable Eric Bana, but it's basically a series of explosions on dark streets. And Memoirs of a Geisha is gorgeous, but it's not like I've thought much about it since I got out of the theater. Syriana made me physically sick with its handheld camera shots and overt political motives (though bad popcorn may have contributed to that feeling). Walk the Line was your typical rock-n-roll brush-with-death-by-overdose biopic. And as for King Kong, I just didn't buy the whole woman-loves-ape angle. And they shot the whole movie in that angle.

There are others that I didn't see. Good Night and Good Luck, Cinderella Man, A History of Violence, TransAmerica, The Constant Gardener. For the most part, these are movies that I thought I should see, but when it came right down to it, I didn't want to spend a night or an afternoon at the movies being so serious. (Then there's Russell Crowe's boxer movie which I refused to see out of spite for that whole genre and Crowe's complete lack of a sense of humor.) My idea of the perfect movie is one that combines a little drama and a little humor. But my favorite movie of the year, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, is about as likely to rate a nomination as The Dukes of Hazzard. And that's not likely to change. You know, ever. The phrase 'comic masterpiece' exists for the sole reason that nobody thinks that comedy can be a regular masterpiece. So, the Academy will continue to acknowledge only those films that make you cry or rage and ignore those that are fun to sit through.

All I'm saying is, Jon Stewart better be freakin' hilarious.