Sam's Secret Shame

The time has come to reveal to the world how Samantha Simpson, distinguished writer, scholar and instructor, spends her hard-earned money. That's right. On Britney Spears albums. She's financing the crazy.

If you ask her, she'll couch the decision to buy Britney Spear's Blackout in the language of academia: "Oh, recently in two of my classes, we had Britney week. We discussed her importance as a cultural figure, the disconnect between the image she presents and the way she talks about her personal life, as well as the media coverage of her recent breakdown." Don't buy it, friends.

When asked recently, she listed her favorite Blackout tracks: 1. Gimme More; 2. Get Naked (I Got a Plan); 3. Break the Ice; 4. Piece of Me; 5. Toy Soldier. Her new ringtone trumpets "It's Britney, bitch" every time someone calls.

So, you can see that the truth is Ms. Simpson likes to juke-it juke-it to Britney's synthesized beats. She's a fan of the pop star's dulcet computer-corrected tones. She and this guy have exchanged numbers and are planning to hang out soon.

Clearly, we need an intervention. Or merciless mocking. Whichever is easier.

[It is to be noted here with the utmost care that your humble reporter did in no way engage in a Britney Spears dance party with Samantha Simpson last Friday night, especially (but not limited to) under the influence of one or more gin and tonics.]