Everything I Need to Know in Life (and Love) I Learned from...

The Art of Dating by Evelyn Millis Duvall

I scoffed when Stephanie first brought this book home. It was published in 1958, the feminist dark ages. I flipped through those old-smelling pages in search of some howlers... and came up surprisingly empty-handed.

Maybe we could date old-school. Here's what I've learned (seriously):

1. Follow Grandma's formula: "Chase a fellow until he catches you."

2. A girl can "...investigate the reason why a particular individual is slow to get started dating." If he's shy or bashful, draw him into a cozy group activity.

3. "...young people like members of the other sex who are 1) careful of their personal appearance; 2) courteous and thoughtful; and 3) fun to be with." Fair enough.

4. "We often feel the need to put on airs because we're unsure of ourselves. If we act naturally, we may find that people like us as we are, and our feelings of inferiority will diminish." Nice.

5. Few girls actually expect to date dream boats like Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, or Rudolph Valentino. Impossible crushes are not just limited to celebrities: "Many a young girl swoons over the football captain, the president of the senior class, or the most popular boy in the school, with whom she doesn't have a ghost of a chance. Indeed, she wouldn't even know what to do on such a spectacular date if she had it--"

Wait a minute. That's not very nice. As a girl who once wore glasses held together with masking tape, I'd prefer to believe that I can stand a chance with someone "spectacular." Where's the adventure (and art!) of dating if we have to uphold the mating status quo?

But maybe that's the only bad-apple advice.

6. "...in dating a married man a girl always takes a risk. Such a man is not free to take a girl out, to make love to her, or to marry her." Word.

7. "A boy who dates... a girl with a bad reputation, and vice versa, is running the risk of having some of her reputation rub off on him." O... kay.

8. "If you feel inadequate about conversation [on a date], you may want to go through such magazines as Reader's Digest... or some similar resource for amusing and interesting stories..."

Actually, that's where I draw the line. I will not--not now and certainly not during a time-traveling mission to 1958--read Reader's Digest, even if it means going dateless for all eternity.

I suppose now I'll return to the new school. Cosmo has a stories on "How to Be Just Bitchy Enough" and "How Long Guys Want Sex to Last." Let's see how that goes.