Ask Stephanie's Foot-Fetishizing Cat

Welcome to the advice column from Stephanie's cat, Asta. This month, he focuses on your money and career problems. You see, when he's not busy chewing on the plastic lilies in the living room or drinking out of the toilet, he's reflecting on fiscal responsibility and sound career choices.

Dear Asta: Should I put my money in the stock market now while it's not doing so hot, or would it be safer to invest in some diversified small-cap growth funds?--Retirement Is Not Soon Enough, North Carolina

Dear RINSE--I sit on top of the television. I swish my tail. You do not watch television because you watch my tail. Now I am eating your flowers. I knock down your cell phone.

Dear Asta: I had to decide if I wanted to edit math or reading textbooks. I choose math. Did I make the right choice?--AW, Ohio

Dear AW--I sit in the bathtub after your shower. I drink the water in the drain and get wet on my head. I headbutt you. I headbutt you. I headbutt you. I sniff your shoes.

Dear Asta: I'd like to open a savings account, but my money dries up before I can set any aside. How can I properly manage my funds?--SNS

Dear SNS--I sleep in your socks.

Got a problem? Asta can help! Send your questions about anything to cardboardislife@gmail.com.