Ask Stephanie's Cardboard-Eating Cat

This is the second Easter holiday in a row that Stephanie has left me to my own devices. The walls echo when she isn't here, and my characteristic indecision goes unchecked.

Lucky for me--and all of you--her insane, cardboard-eating cat was here to help me make some major choices.

Dear Asta: I've been eating right and exercising... but it's Girl Scout cookie season, and I have to dispose of these Thin Mints somehow. Should I eat the whole box while watching my Netflix movie?--SNS

Dear SNS: I am eating your couch.

Dear Asta: I'd like to listen to music while I run, but I don't have an MP3 player. Further, I don't own a computer, so I can't exactly use an MP3 player, even if I had one. Should I kick it old school and buy a portable CD player?--SNS

Dear SNS: Sometimes I chew wires.

Dear Asta: I assume you meant I should buy the CD player. So, I did it. Is it okay for me to steal double-A batteries from my roommate?--SNS

Dear SNS: I am eating the cable bill. I bite your toe.

Dear Asta: Don't you think I should avoid watching the newest crop of Asian movie horror remakes? While "Shutter" does place its American leads in Japan, there is apparently no cure for the stale, yet inscrutable plots and stilted acting. Do you think my leisure time would be better served reading Black Sexual Politics?--SNS

Dear SNS: In your bed, it is warm. I purr and purr--and chew the book you are reading.

Dear Asta: Is there anything you won't chew?--SNS

Dear SNS: No.

Have Asta direct your life. Email your questions to cardboardislife@gmail.com.