7 Things to Do When You Run Out of the Internet

This post is for Cat, who has, tragically, run out of the internet. She's read it all and there are still hours upon hours left in the workday. This is not a problem easily remedied, but I will try.

1. Practice funny faces using the reflection from your cubicle window. When you've got a few, try them out on your coworkers. You never know when you'll need a genuinely original and well-executed funny face, so it pays to be prepared.

2. Pimp out your cubicle by making paperclip chains to hang like streamers or by printing out internet comics and hanging them up. People will be awed by how cool you are and want to be your friend.

3. Actively engage in workplace gossip. Make some up to spread around if there's nothing juicy actually going on. Just imagine the expressions of shock and glee you'll get when you tell people you saw so-and-so coming out of a Botox spa over the weekend.

4. Imagine complicated death scenarios for particularly annoying clients and coworkers. Make sure to include several exotic elements that might seem at home in an Indiana Jones or Bond movie.

5. Cultivate your office plant life. With enough plant food, you could find yourself with an Audrey II and then you'd only have to set it out front to devour people before they get to you.

6. Conduct psychological experiments on your coworkers. Try moving a piece of office furniture to an inconvenient location and see how long it is before someone moves it. Record your findings for future publication.

7. If all else fails, remember that what was fun at middle school sleepovers is still fun today. Prank phone call other offices. I suggest a variation on the immortal, "Is your refrigerator running?"

Remember, the internet is not the only option. Sometimes, messing with people in person is just as fun.