Place Your Bets...

Through some bizarre twist of fate, I agreed to be a bridesmaid twice in the month of September. The phrase always a bridesmaid, never a bride may have set up shop in the back of my mind, but I am not disheartened.

I see this as an opportunity. Babetteers, welcome to...

DRESS WAR: SEPTEMBER SHOWDOWN

Do not underestimate either of these dresses. I will be filling them out quite nicely. It's up to you to determine which one will win in this no-holds-barred bridesmaid dress beatdown. The winning dress will 1) inspire cute groomsmen to give me their phone numbers, 2) obscure how much I sweat when I'm dancing at the reception, and 3) allow itself to be recycled for another formal occasion. Start placing your bets now. I'll announce the winner at the end of September 2007...

Contender #1: Money Money

Strengths: resistant to flame; good at math; kind to animals; diplomatic; well-spoken; demonstrates a knowledge of fine wines; independently wealthy; endows wearer with powers of telekinesis, telepathy, and pastry-making

Weaknesses: asthmatic; bad at grammar; cannot hold liquor; never carries enough cash for a decent tip; cannot speak Urdu; does not endow wearer with powers of flirtation or the ability to fly

Contender #2: The Marine Dream

Strengths: strong knees; can double as life raft; feminist; can run to speeds of up to 35 mph; speed-reading; three-time national spelling-bee winner; endows wearer with the ability to perform open-heart surgery with a toothpick

Weaknesses: miserly; made completely of granulated sugar; passionately opposes theory of evolution; fails to vote in the presidential elections; does not endow wearer with the power to fill awkward silences or the ability to transform water into wine