Everything I Need to Know about Love I Learned From...

"The Notebook"

Starring Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams

1. Chicks love Walt Whitman. Quote Walt Whitman, and you're guaranteed to get the bloomers.

2. If your one true love leaves you for another man, the best way to get her back is to renovate an old house and refuse to sell it.

3. Lying in the middle of the street is romantic and not at all a way to get run over by a Model T or a tractor trailer.

4. If you're a 17-year-old girl, the best way to convince your parents that the local lumber yard worker is the man for you is to fly into a rage and scream, "But I love him! I do! I love him!" while tears stream down your face. Then your parents will take you seriously.

5. What's more, if your boyfriend gets out of line and tries to break up with you, kick his ass. He can't hit you back, and he'll be able to count the ways you love him by the bruises on his head, arms, and chest.

6. Save the sweet love-making for a rainy day. The sex can't be hot unless your outfit and hair are completely ruined.

7. Ryan Gosling should always have a beard. (And he should call me.)

8. You know it's true love when you see each other after seven years, and you're both "different"... but "the same." Ya know?

9. When you're lonely, there's always a war widow ready to ease the pain of your solitude (if you know what I mean). Don't be too nice to her, though. She's not your one true love.

10. Your attraction to clever lumber yard workers is hardly your fault. Your mother had the same problem, and your grandmother before her. It's up to you to decide if you're going to stalk him after you marry a millionaire--or live with your hot lumber yard worker for the rest of your natural life.

11. Get rid of all your platonic friends. Once you've found your true love, you don't need anybody else. The best way to get rid of your only friend is for both you to fight in World War II. He's not leading man material, so he won't survive.

12. While ducks add to the romantic boat ride, use caution when tossing those bread crumbs. Poor aim can turn this tender moment into an Alfred Hitchcock classic. Nothing ruins a sexy scene quite like killer ducks.

13. If you are beginning to suffer from dementia, spend your remaining units of brain power writing a glorified romance novel for your husband to read to you. Leave out the parts where you graduated from college, had children, and painted masterpieces. These details are but distractions from your beautiful lurve story.

14. True love is patient, and true love waits, but most of all, true love arranges a time for you to die together at the rest home.