Spoiling the Sparkly

Or, "How My Pure Hatred of All Things 'Twilight' Is Ruining My Personal Relationships"

"Twilight" is, of course, old news now. It's on DVD. There's a spot-on analysis of the movie in Bitch magazine. The fans of the book series who are still speaking to me have read those novels twice each.

Yet, no matter how old it gets, I still manage to rumble with people about both the books and the movies.

These are the facts:

1. "Twilight" makes being a damsel-in-distress sexy again. Being a stalker apparently works, too.
2. I subscribe to the belief that a girl in a vampire story ought to know where the holy water at.
3. I miss "Buffy" so very much.
4. Shut up, "Twilight."

Now, this evening's "Twilight" showdown had nothing to do with feminism and the social implications of the popularity of the books and the movie. No, this time the argument was about storytelling and spoilers.

I admit I spilled the beans about the last scene to a friend who had never seen the movie before. I said [SPOILER ALERT!], "Yeah, they go to the prom, and she's like, 'Oh, make me like you,' and he's like, 'No,' and she's like, 'Yes,' and he's like, 'No,' and she's like, 'You'll totally make me like you because that's what I want,' and he's like, 'No,' and she's like, 'Totally.'"

This did not strike me as terribly spoiler-tastic. I didn't even mention the part where our heroine [SPOILER ALERT!] gives birth to a litter of kittens. However, my friend was angry I would spoil the story with the revelation that the two leads make it to the prom.

I will also admit that it was naughty, at best, for me to reveal that much. However, I argued that a movie like that can only lead to the prom. After all, it's a teen romance told from the perspective a girl who's in love with a vampire who [SPOILER ALERT!] sparkles. Pretty dresses and slow dances are inevitable.

In fact, I would continue to argue--and I did--that you can tell where most movies are going from the first 10 minutes of images and dialogue. There are no new stories, really, only potentially innovative ways of telling them. You know some folks are going to die when you watch the creepy visuals at the beginning of a slasher movie. You know some folks are going to die and those deaths won't be amusing when you hear the reverent strings at the beginning of a political figure's biopic. And so I didn't think it would be spoiling the narrative flow of "Twilight" too much if I made fun of that conversation at the prom. I mean, I didn't even disclose the fact that [SPOILER ALERT!] Edward Cullen robs a bank wearing a Nixon mask.

None of that matters, though. The fact remains that "Twilight" is not only destroying any hopes I had for a substantial new wave of feminism for the 2000s, but it's also transforming me into a monster to my loved ones. I just can't make myself be a good, non-spoiler-y, Byronic-hero-appreciating person whenever someone mentions this... phenomenon. And how do I even begin to ask for help with this kind of problem?

Oh--and shut up, "Twilight."