Action Doll

It's game night in Ypsilanti--and if I mean to sleep under this roof (I do), then I'm rooting for the Lakers (I suppose). The Lakers' star player, of course, is Kobe Bryant. I understand he shoots the ball, and it mostly goes in the basket. According to a handful of sports commentators, he's determined to take the Lakers to a finals victory against the Orlando Magic.

And according to the 15-year-old version of me, Kobe Bryant is dreamy.


(My 15-year-old self also says the Spice Girls are awesome. Funny what she and I can still agree on.)

Now, you would think a dreamy NBA superstar could hold the world in his rather large palm. However, Kobe Bryant can't eliminate all that is unpleasant about his life.

I refer, of course, to his various toy likenesses. Each of the Kobes in my friend's doll--ahem, action figure collection looks different, yet not one of them approximates dreaminess.

Take a look at this one:

The grin is too cheesy, and the eyes are... off.

And what is this?

You can't tell from the picture, but this Kobe doll--I mean, action figure--has really sharp teeth. It's weird.

And this doll--sorry, ACTION FIGURE has a disturbing bestial quality:

Not hot.

My 15-year-old self--if she weren't too busy drawing pictures of big cats and singing along to her Boyz II Men cassettes--could not have added any one of these dolls--GOD, ACTION FIGURES to her collection of dreamy boy memorabilia (which included a poster of Brad Pitt as Tristan in "Legends of the Fall" and several episodes of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" taped off TV).

And that's a shame.

(Go Lakers!)