Falling Star Outreach Program

So, it happens over the course of a career in Hollywood that you get your Big Break, are the Next Big Thing and people cannot get enough of you. Then, inevitably, things cool down. You appear in a few flops. And suddenly, all the commentators who were heralding your arrival are making jokes about your fading career, your love life, that slightly weird thing that your face does when you get all dramatic. But here at The Point of Babette, we are all about rehabilitating our former favorites. So here's some advice to some flailing stars:

Orlando Bloom: So, it's a bad sign when heterosexual women who actually find you attractive avoid your last few movies like you were handing out leprosy at the door. But really, how many more historical costume dramas do you think you can do? And so far, your only foray into the modern world was a project with the lethal combination of Kirsten Dunst and Cameron Crowe. So, I think going back to do Pirates of the Carribbean 2 and 3 is a good idea. You should continue to be Johnny Depp's cute younger sidekick up to and including the point at which he sets the French police after you. The second lead in a really good (or at least really enjoyable) movie is a much more respectable role than slapping your face on the poster of five dismally boring period pieces. Once you're done with that, do a heist movie. Play a disreputable character with some good one-liners. Try to look like you are both above the age of twelve and sexually attracted to women. See what that does for you.

Halle Berry: Well, first off, I think we both know that you need to take some time away from franchises. Sure, the studios love them because all twenty sequels will become blockbusters, but you've seen the painful result when one fails to take off. Plus, that Oscar is starting to give you dirty looks. Which is not to say that you should start doing crazy prestige independent movies or trying to recreate Monster's Ball. To start, work with an auteur. Woody Allen or Robert Altman. Stretch a little and avoid the temptation to either make the movie about how sexy you are or how you've made yourself ugly for the role because you are an Actor. Then work with another kind of auteur. M. Night Shamaylan or Baz Luhrmann. Remember, having an Academy Award does not mean you don't have to try anymore.

Cuba Gooding, Jr.: Oh dear. Where to start? If there are animals of any kind in the script, say no. In fact, learn to say no, period. I think your Academy Award may have been the worst thing to happen to your career as it forced you into a premature leading man role. So, go back a bit. Start getting some supporting roles in some good movies. Try to get Terrance Howard's agent. Take on some serious roles where you play a grown-up. Maybe you and Orlando Bloom could do that heist movie together.

Paul Walker: Okay, you were never a favorite. But you could probably manage to come up with a decent career if you stopped playing teenagers. I mean, what are you? 45? In any other year, I'd say you need to play a gay cowboy. But somebody beat you to it. So, you must do the next best thing. Play the male lead in a Reese Witherspoon romcom vehicle. Aim for understated and sexy. Once you do that, you can seek out loftier pastures.

Minnie Driver: For goodness sake, stop guest-starring on Will and Grace. Jump off the sinking ship already. Also, playing the 8th lead in movie versions of overwrought Broadway musicals is not the way to go. Instead, take a cue from Sandra Bullock. Find an action movie to do. You'll probably have to be the second lead to some male star, but make sure you're funny and sexy. Oh, and no more vanity albums. (Bad girl!)

We can only hope that this advice benefits both you, the actors, and the general public, who sure are apathetic about bad movies. But mostly, we give this advice for ourselves, so that we can feel we warned you that you were turning your hybrid SUV in the wrong direction before you drive yourself into obscurity.