OHM #4: Upgrade? Really?

Here's the thing, Beyonce.

I've been reading a lot of women's magazines lately. To clarify for the Babetteers who know me well, I don't mean Ms. or Bitch magazine, but Glamour and Cosmopolitan. I now know the 30 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex Before She's 30, as well as how to apply eye make-up for an evening out on the town. I also know, Beyonce, that you are well-loved by the editors of these magazines. You've got "star-style," which I suppose means you can get away with wearing a satin mini-dress that just barely covers your assets (if you know what I mean--and I think you do).

Listen: I am no hater. Okay, I am a hater, but I don't begrudge you for knowing how to style your hair or design your own clothing. I can even swallow the fact that I worked my way through college and graduate school, all so I can work a thankless job for minor ducats, but you have millions of dollars because you can hum a few bars while simultaneously shaking your well-toned ass. No, I'm not bitter about that at all.

I'm writing this hate mail because I don't think you're being particularly responsible about the message you're sending your largely female audience. Let's take a look at some of the lyrics you wrote, shall we?

I promise you (Promise you)/I'll keep myself up (Oh)/Remain the same chick (Yeah)/You fell in love with (Yeah)/I'll keep it tight, I'll keep my figure right/I'll keep my hair fixed, keep rocking the hottest outfits/When you come home late tap me on my shoulder, I'll roll over/Baby I heard you, I'm here to serve you.

Really? How about these lyrics?

I know it ain't easy, easy loving me/ I appreciate the love and dedication from you to me/ Later on in my destiny I see myself having your child I see myself being your wife and I see my whole future in your eyes.

No, really? I don't know if anyone told you this, Beyonce, but there was a women's movement a few years back. Oh, it was a good time. A whole bunch of us got together and started defining ourselves outside of our roles as wives and mothers. There was a cheese plate--wish you could have made it. And it's not that I have a problem with marriage or motherhood. I fully intend(ed) to marry Trey Parker, Jake Gyllenhaal, and/or Mos Def and have the funniest, indie-est, free-stylin'est and most adorable babies on the planet.

However, I see my future when I look into my own eyes--and if I'm "keeping my figure right," it's because I don't like feeling winded when I climb the stairs.

You're beautiful. You can sing and kinda dance. And you're smart enough to do business. Now, stop pretending you're some dude's arm and eye candy--and encouraging us to do the same.

Yours,
Sam

Get Your Lighters Ready...

My friend, rockstarEric, informed me that he and his fellow bandmates maintain a spreadsheet of potential band names, in the event of a band name emergency. While Stephanie and I have limited musical abilities, we are still fully capable of creating a list of potential band names--and sounds.

The Do That Girls
Sam: Vocals and Guitar
Stephanie: Vocals and Drums

This is our most prolific band, with five albums in its catalog. The Do That Girls are the White Stripes of kitsch--unless you happen to believe the White Stripes are the White Stripes of kitsch. Ask yourself, though: Did the White Stripes have an album completely dedicated to the legend of Marilyn Monroe? There you go.

Download: "Fire, Fire, Fire (The Jackie O Song)"

Dunne Deal
Sam: Vocals and Piano
Stephanie: Vocals and Harmonica

The Dunne Deal covers standards from the 1940s and 1950s. Remember the Andrews sisters? The Dunne Deal have them beat! Our first--and only--album includes our rendition of the opening theme from "My Favorite Wife"--with lyrics.

Download: "Santa Baby"

Dixie Cousins
Sam: Washboard and Harmonica
Stephanie: Vocals and Banjo

This traveling two-woman act wows the crowds in the toughest saloons in the Old West. While our sound is innovative, to say the least, we are more famous for stealing cowboys' hearts--and leaving them high and dry by the wayside.

Download: "Brisco and Bowler"

Bradstreet
Sam: Vocals
Stephanie: Vocals and Choreography
Crystal: Vocals

No one thought we could do it, but we found a way to give the poetry of Anne Bradstreet a fresh, pop sound. "The Flesh and the Spirit" flew off the shelves--and teenagers everywhere made perfect scores on the English AP exams.

Download: "Upon Some Distemper of Body" (Neptunes Remix)

Great Scott
Sam: Vocals and Electric Guitar
Stephanie: Keyboard and Woodblock
Michelle: Flute

We returned to the 80s with this EP. Stephanie wasn't too keen on our synthesized sound and vapid lyrics. We aimed to be the next Simple Minds--and we were all too successful.

Download: "(This Is) Heavy"

Big Damn Heroes
Sam: Drums and Mandolin
Stephanie: Vocals and Triangle
Heather: Guitar and Dog Whistle

The present wasn't quite ready for our musical vision of the future. Our rock opera, "Trash," won critical acclaim, but our handful of fans were bewildered by the way our heroes' journey flashed back and forth in time. "Shindig" fared better with the masses, but we didn't think the songs on that album "gelled." You be the judge.

Download: "Going Mad (This Is What It Feels Like)"

Intercostal Clavicle
Sam: Pots, Pans, and Wooden Spoon
Stephanie: Vocals and Waterglasses
Erika: Leopard Call

Intercostal Clavicle never released a full-length album. Our fans followed us from town to town in stolen cars (with stolen golfballs in the trunk). Our final show took place in front of the New York Natural History Museum. Our zany sound drove all the dogs wild. We were subsequently arrested.

Download: "The Best Day of My Life"

The Unsuspected Depths of CK Dexter Haven
Sam: Cello
Stephanie: Vocals and Guitar
Debra: Spoons

Our Harvard and Yale fans called us "erudite" and "refreshing," and we enjoyed sipping mojitos between our country club sets. Although we performed in precious jewels and evening wear, we always managed to slip about three hard rock songs into our set. We recorded three albums before Debra ran off to explore the continents. All of them.

Download: "True Love the Second"

Lizzie with the Fine Eyes
Sam: Drums
Stephanie: Vocals and Guitar
Crystal: Bass
Laura: Piano

Despite the empire waist gowns and pantalets, we still delivered our hardest sound when we were "Lizzie." Many of our fans wondered if we were making fun of them. We were coy then, but now that we have disbanded--yes, we were.

Download: "Performed Strangers"

Farmer Extremely Unhelpful
Sam: Vocals and Guitar
Stephanie: Drums
William: Trombone

We played most of our sets in the garage, away from prying eyes. At the end of every performance, I stood on Stephanie's drums and declared myself "strongest man in the world."

Download: "Your Favorite Song"

Why a Duck
Sam: Bicycle Horn and Harp
Stephanie: Guitar and Piano
Erika: Vocals

I refused to speak on stage, while Stephanie rattled off jokes in an Italian accent between songs. Erika's rapid-fire singing delighted live audiences--but critics couldn't seem to grasp our sound. After all, sometimes we paused for classical interludes on the harp, and other times we banged out rowdy bar songs on the piano. Most performances culminated in a slapstick floorshow.

Download: "Upstairs, No Downstairs (Fight!)"