I asked you a simple question! Do you love her? YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

PSA: How to Make a SCARY Scary Film

'Tis the season to have the bejesus scared out of you. If you--or anyone you know--is an aspiring filmmaker, you can follow these easy steps to ensure that your movie makes your audience shriek with terror:

1. Know the classics. "Nosferatu" was made before sound and before color. And CGI? Fuhgeddaboudit. I saw that movie once--just once--four years ago, and I still get chills when I think of the shadow of the vampire's long, skeletal fingers inching along the wall. There's power in the well-crafted image. Use it.

2. Understand human biology and behavior. I learned in tenth grade that human beings have an instinct for self-preservation. That means that if I suspect a man with knives for fingers lives in my basement, then I don't go into the basement--at least not without a weapon. The characters in horror films should at least pretend they have a chance of making it to the end of the reel. (See: Nancy in "A Nightmare on Elm Street," who says, "I'm into survival.") That way, it's really scary when the killer/ghost/fog wastes them.

3. Hire ACTORS. Nothing turns a frightfest into vaudeville like an inexperienced ingenue squawking lines she could barely read on her own. When bad actors die, the audience rejoices. (See: "Masterpieces of Schadenfreude.") Think of how Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, and even that little girl from the "Poltergeist" movies committed to their craft. Look for that during the auditions.

4. Make a set of monster rules and keep to them. "The Grudge" had a simple rule, albeit a flexible one: If you step into the house, the ghost will kill you. The premise is chilling because the victims did nothing to deserve the wet hair treatment. "The Grudge 2," however, breaks that rule, then adds addendums and amendments. The ghost can now purchase a passport. The ghost has a mother who can speak perfect English. The ghost makes great cheese balls for a nominal fee. The ghost is now stupid.

5. Skip the Oprah-inspired backstory. Why is that wet-girl from "The Ring" so very naughty? The sequel tells us it's because she never had a mother. Well, boo-fucking-hoo. Unless the monster's backstory adds to its scariness, don't bother telling it. When the audience learns Freddy Krueger is the "bastard son of a hundred maniacs," they know there's no cure for his psychosis. That's a real backstory.

6. Consult the Bible. The books of Isaiah and the Revelation contain some of the most compelling apocalyptic images. There's no copyright on that stuff; use it!

7. Eschew the remake--and the sequel. Nothing says creative desperation quite like a remake of a horror movie that didn't need retelling. The world is pretty scary, and the stories are out there. If you're really committed to scaring the bejesus, the dickens, and the crap out of people, then you have to find new stories.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Masterpieces of Schadenfreude

For Sam's birthday, we went rollerskating. A teeny little girl (read: devil) in pink appeared in front of me standing stock still in the rink. In recognition and celebration of my recently injured rear end and the joy it gives to so many people who are not me, I've decided to dedicate a blog entry to that delicate and elusive comedy: Schadenfreude.

Dictionary.com says that it translates literally as "damage joy" which seems an inappropriately poetic way to describe the entire slapstick comedy genre, but what it really means is finding humor in someone else's misfortune, whatever that may be. I've rated the following from 1 to 10 depending on how happy you should be that you are not the person or persons you are watching.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Perry: "Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?" Harry: "A picture of me?" Perry: "No! The definition of idiot. Which you fucking are!" You enjoy Harry as a punching bag for Perry's wit. You enjoy his bumbling impersonation of a detective. You even enjoy his detachable, re-attachable, edible fingertip. 6.

Mean Girls - There is that scene where Gretchen Wieners stands up to make her apology and fall backwards into a crowd of girls, only the apology she makes is "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me...but I can't help it that I'm popular," and everyone except Karen backs away from catching her. Your enjoyment of their fall: 6.

Newsradio - In one second season episode, Bill can't get past security without his ID. At one point, Dave comes down and vouches for him and the security guards joke around with the two of them. The minute Dave leaves, the guards drop their smiles and block Bill from getting to the elevator. You laugh at his pain in the amount of 6.

I Was a Male War Bride - There's no perfect storm like being caught in the loops of army bureaucracy. In drag with a horsehair wig (fresh from the horse) after a night of sleepless wandering? 7 is the number for how happy you can be that you are you, not him.

Drop Dead Gorgeous - One girl blows up on a tractor. A stage light falls on another. Amber's mom survives a trailer fire with her fingers melted into a beer can. Every girl in the state pageant gets food poisoning from bad shellfish. Becky-Ann Leeman blows up in the belly of a giant paper mache swan. 7 is how much joy you get from their damage.

Some Like It Hot - From wobbling in high heels to frustrated male-in-drag desire for female who doesn't know he's in drag to running in said high heels from the mob, you chuckle away at the many misfortunes of Joe and Jerry. Your pleasure rings up to 7.

Bridget Jones's Diary - Her thong made a television appearance. 7.

Bringing Up Baby - First, it's a golf ball. Then, it's his car. Then, it's his intercostal clavicle and an elusive million dollar donation to the museum. These are the things Susan, her dog and her leopard keep from David in an ever-escalating series of misadventures. How happy can you be that you are not trying to keep a hungry leopard from devouring a truckful of chickens and very expensive swans? Happy to the amount of 8.

I Love Lucy - Sure, you love her, but do you want to be her? Getting drunk while filming a commercial or constantly embarrassing yourself by trying to get into your husband's act? No to the power of 9.

Arrested Development - Lucille Bluth is not your mother. 9.

The Office
- How happy are you that you are neither digging yourself a conversational grave as David Brent nor one of his employees trying to keep a straight face? 10. That's how much.

And with that, I charge you to go out into the world and laugh heartily at other people's pain. In their faces. Unless they happen to be bigger than you.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From...

Tyler Perry's "Madea Goes to Jail"

1. Women who try to balance their careers and their family lives are evil. Seriously. They'll make it a point to sleep with your best friend, your boss, and the buffoon who runs the check-in counter at the local jail.

2. Stealing gasoline warrants the same punishment as stabbing a pimp.

3. Nothing makes a juvenile delinquent appreciate education like sending her to school in a dress that's ten times too big.

4. "The Color Purple" is the best movie ever.

5. Kids not listening to you? Brandish your firearm. Still not listening? Set it off.

6. Christian men got it going on. Like whoa.

7. Jail is suspiciously like a hotel: you can come and go as you please.

8. "If you want to know if a man is cheating on you, ask him for one thing. If he doesn't give it to you, you know he's cheating. And that one thing is..." That's right; that's all you get because Tyler Perry doesn't want to rat out his playas.

9. Drowned babies need blood transfusions.

10. Even churchgoing women can drop it like it's hot.

11. No bra can contain Madea's 40HHs. Not one.