My Late Night TCM Line-up

I am, as they say, a junkie.

I regularly overdose on old movies. When I was younger, I used to watch Bette Grable movies. Without the irony. So, now that we have cable and I have access to Turner Classic Movies all the time, Sam is going to have to pry the remote control from my cold dead fingers, and that still won't prevent me from watching all this:

Father of the Third Bridesmaid - In this hilarious wedding romp, a fretting father goes to absurd lengths to prevent his only daughter from becoming a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding, as he is convinced that this will lead to her own quick marriage. But even a missing dress can't keep this bridesmaid from her task!

Aphrodite - Aphrodite is a young girl whose superstitious parents won't let her walk under ladders, eat meat or date the nice young man she met while wandering in the fruit grove next to her house. But Aphrodite is determined to find out about love - whatever the stars may bring!

Love on Leave - The navy is on leave in New York and Jim, James and Jimmy only have three days to experience the whole city! Jimmy's headed for the museums, where he meets the cheerful Judy. James plops down at a dockside hamburger joint to order from the delectable Jane. But when Jim bumps into Janine on a corner of 5th Avenue, he's convinced that he must pretend to be a rich man to woo her. Watch the hijinks ensue!

Meet Me in Rio - Travel to exotic climes in this thrilling musical romance! Molly and Max are a song and dance duo who've never thought of love beyond the stage. That is, until Molly catches the eye of a local lothario. Suddenly Max is stewing in jealousy as Molly flits to all the nocturnal hot spots with Roberto! Can Max win her back before their show ends?

Ship Shape - It's love on the high seas! Susie and Madeleine are a couple of showgirls on their way to make their debut in Paris. On the ship, Susie meets Philip, a rich playboy who pretends to be a busboy to fool Susie's golddigging instincts. Meanwhile, Madeleine stumbles over Charlie on deck. He's a flashy stage producer headed to Paris to look for new talent. Will Susie and Philip and Madeleine and Charlie be able to get together before the boat docks?

At The Point of Babette, We Punish Bad Shows

This is The Point of Babette dart board. And those are your "favorite" characters from Lost. It's not that we never loved them. It's that bitterness is a disease that springs from spurned love.

Oh, Lost. You rejected our attempts to connect dots. You plodded along, regardless of our needs. You continued to flash back and back, even though you knew those flashbacks sucked. Excuse me, Season 1 finale, but I know they got on the plane. And now you don't even make sense anymore. Hanso Foundation? Really? Further, you're crazy if you think I'm gonna go running all over the internet and creation for clues.

And that's why Jack has to catch it in the crotch.

Yard Sale!

I live in a one-bedroom apartment. Not even. It's more like a studio with a wall that's polite enough to separate the living area from the bedroom. I call my cozy place "Fake Paris" because it has the ambition and the drive to become an iconic place--but that's about it.

I'll be spending my last night in Fake Paris tonight. Here's what I can't figure out: I'm not done packing. There are only so many square feet in that place, yet I'm still finding things in the closets and under the bed and in the kitchen behind the refrigerator. I've been packing for three days straight, and there's no end in sight.

So, could I interest y'all in a few items from the Sam Simpson Home Collection?

*Three Years Worth of Bank Statements From an Account I No Longer Hold ($10)--These are a steal! Now you can know exactly how many Burger King Doublecheeseburger Meals I purchased in 2003!

*Tissue Paper and Envelopes ($.50 each)--Did you ever send me a letter or a gift? I loved it! But apparently I loved the stationery too! Now you can have it back!

*Plastic Grocery Bags ($.30 each)--If I can convince myself I'll need them for later, I can convince you, too.

*Silhouette and Harlequin Romance Novels (2 for $4.50)--I've doggeared the steamiest sex scenes so you don't have to!

*boySam's Mathematical Proof That Chuck Norris Is the Perfect Man for Me ($10)--You won't believe it until you see it--and even then you might have a little trouble.

*Outdated Coupons for Northland Fruit Juice ($.05)--Yeah, I don't know.

*Duplicate Rough Drafts of Both College and Master's Theses ($100 each/$150 for a set)--When I'm famous, you could say you own the garbage that became my masterpiece.

*Notebooks with One Page of Writing in Them, No More, No Less ($2 each)--I might have a problem writing in these "used" notebooks, but that doesn't mean you should. You get a discount if any of the pages are ripped!

And more! Everything must go! Remember, you get a free out-of-ink pen with every purchase!

Wish Me Monsters

Congratulations to Head Babetteer Anna on her recent nuptials!

They say every little girl dreams about her wedding day, and I suppose I'm no different. Here's to all of you who can't make it to this most joyous of events--

THE DATE: October 31, Mystery Year. That's right--Halloween. And if you think there won't be cobwebs, candy corn, apple-bobbing, and costumes at this little get-together, then you don't know me very well.

THE DRESS: Do you remember the penultimate scene in"The Barkeleys of Broadway"? Do you remember that dress Ginger Rogers was wearing? I want that--unless a replica costs more than $200. I will spare plenty of expenses for this affair.

THE HAIR: Combed, for once.

THE BRIDESMAIDS: I said Halloween, didn't I? That means costumes for my dear girlfriends. They're cheaper than actual bridesmaid dresses, and they'll make for killer photos.

THE FLORAL ARRANGEMENT: ... the what now?

THE CEREMONY: Short. Sweet. Wedding express. Sure, people come for the lurve, but they stay for the wine and mushroom empanadas.

THE PHOTOS: Funny faces. Bunny ears.

THE RECEPTION: Food. Wine. Party express. And I expect dancing. If your shoes hurt your feet, take them off. Guests should expect to do the Thriller dance and the Monster Mash. Because it's Halloween.

THE GROOM: Can't have a wedding without one of those. Hm. I had my heart set on Trey Parker, but he married someone else. Also, he doesn't know me. No worries. I'll send out a few Marriage Applications to worthy suitors.

It doesn't sound like a big deal, does it? Truth is, my wedding day won't be the most important day of my life. (That spot is already taken by my graduation from college.) It will, however, be a good time--not just for me, but for all my guests. So, friends expect good food, good wine, and a few rounds of Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Bridezilla-Star-Jones-in-Effigy. See you there!