Conversations with My Roommate

Me: I'm not interested in the ontology of things.

Sam: The...cancer of things?

***

Sam: Wasn't it that Prometheus was eternally punished for helping humans and even now there are vultures ripping out his liver?

Me: Yeah. He never got free from it.

Sam: You know why I know that?

Me: Why?

Sam: Because I'm not Percy!

Me: ...

Sam: Oh, burn! [cackles]

***

[In the car on the way to work.]

Sam: F-bomb!

Me: What?!?

Sam: I forgot my coffee. It's sitting on the counter at home.

Me: I'm sorry. Wait, why didn't you just drink it at home?

Sam: It was too hot. I like to hold it in my hands before I drink it because it's too hot at first.

Me: Okay...

Sam: Shut up, Stephanie! Don't judge me!

***

Sam: Stephanie. Why did you write this episode of Lois and Clark?

Me: What?

Sam: No really, Stephanie. Why did you write this?

Me: Look, I was really young. I wanted Lois to find out that Clark was Superman by sleeping with both of them and waking up all, "Whoa. Same guy." But the network was against it. So I settled for this cheek-brushing thing.

Sam: ...

Sam: I guess that makes sense.

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From...

Constantino's Pregnant Bride
Catherine Spencer

1. Italianglish is the most seductive language on earth.

2. Nothing spells romance like delaying intercourse until her cervix is ship-shape again.

3. A man can be "disturbingly attractive" without being Dracula. (Though you'll be hard-pressed to find such a man.)

4. "Her skin vibrated with awareness of him, the very pores seeming to reach out to absorb the texture of him." Yeah, it's like that.

5. Women are worth twice as much as Ferraris, three times as much as Lambhorginis.

6. Yes, he fills the house with flowers and buys you jewelry. Sure, he makes you dinner then washes the dishes. And, of course, he married you after he found out about the baby. That doesn't mean he loves you. He has to say it.

7. "It takes a lot more than one night of sex to build the solid foundation for marriage." Except not really.

8. Your wife comes before your mother--even if your mother has a brain tumor and could, you know, die.

9. "This time, he was the one who groaned, a feral, primitive sound. The sound of a warrior facing insurmountable odds." That's right. Hot sex counts as an insurmountable odd; contact your Congressperson.

10. Your mother could have a brain tumor, and she could push your wife down the stairs, and your wife could, in turn, leave you for not paying enough attention to her--but there is such a thing as happily ever after.

Top Ten Reasons Laura Holt is More Awesome Than You

I just bought and watched the combined 4th and 5th seasons of Remington Steele, thus completing my collection. In honor of this momentus event, I thought I'd issue an informative memo with the reasons why Laura Holt is just so much cooler than the rest of us.

1. She can pick a lock.

2. She runs in high heels. A lot.

3. She made up a guy to be her boss. Seriously. Dude does not exist.

4. Acapulco!

5. She will jump out of a moving car. Just watch her.

6. She won't let you get away with that.

7. Why does she always solve the case? Because she's smarter than you.

8. The fedora.

9. She prefers to date guys who don't have real names.

10. She's world-famous. You just don't know it.

On Notice!

Thanks to Kirsten and Anna for making my dreams come true.

OLL#8: Oh, To Be Charlene...

[Where have I been? Oh, I've only been having a passionate (albeit, one-sided) affair with the premiere purveyor of truthiness, "Stephen Colbert."]

Beloved "Stephen Colbert,"

It was summer, and now it's done. I'm at work, doing work with the working. I have to wear pants without holes. If someone asks me what I'm going to be doing later on, I can't offer, "lying down with the AC on," as a viable plan. That's sad, but I still have my memories... and "The Colbert Report."

I found you while staying in a hotel room in Gambier, OH. I knew all about "The Daily Show," but I was confused when Jon Stewart decided to "check in with 'The Colbert Report'" at the end of the episode. At first I wondered, "Is this guy for real?" And then I wondered, "Bears are godless killing machines?"

Now, I have a crush--and this one is special. No, really. I know I said I loved Trey Parker, and I do, but not like this. Let's be honest: "South Park" episodes are brilliant, but they have clear--and profanely articulated--morals. "The Colbert Report" is a solid half hour of ironic comedy gold.

I mean, everybody on earth needs to see that apology to Geraldo Rivera. (Open Hate Memo #1: Really, Geraldo? Really? You can't honestly be taking yourself seriously at this point. Stop talking to Bill O'Reilly. Hate, Sam.) Good irony is hard to come by these days. And you have a way of saying the exact opposite of what I think and cracking me up at the same time.

So, even though I have to wake up at 6:30 in the morning, I stay up just long enough to get "The Word." Sometimes I think I wonder if I heard "The Word" wrong, so I watch the reruns at 8:00 the next day. I've joined The Colbert Nation. And I'll join the fan club for Stephen and the Colberts. I'm ready for that.

Love,
Sam

Tony Danza Cuts in Line

I have had "Old School Hollywood" by System of a Down stuck in my head for days. And since the refrain of that song is "Old school Hollywood baseball/Me and Frankie Avalon," it's no surprise that I've been thinking up my own fantasy old school Hollywood baseball team.

Managed by Groucho Marx and armed with a powerful arsenal of intimidation and distraction, the Fighting Moguls will cut a swathe through the competition. Here's the line-up:

1. Cary Grant as pitcher. I like him in the thick of things.

2. Joan Crawford as catcher. This is the intimidation part. When she's not glaring a batter down or aiming a spiked heel at a runner to protect home base, she'll be deriding them with anal retentive comments about the cleanliness of their uniforms.

3. Katherine Hepburn at first base. Because someone on the field should actually be able to play.
4. William Powell at second base. He's just a good guy in a pinch.

5. Clark Gable at third base. Again with the intimidation. The right-handed batters will be able to see him out of the corner of their eyes from home. He'll just be there, smiling that Clark Gable I've-got-something-up-my-sleeve-and-only-I'm-gonna-like-it smile.

6. Marilyn Monroe as shortstop. She's the cornerstone of the distraction strategy. She'll be right over the pitcher's shoulder in the batter's line of sight.

7. Harpo Marx in left field. A different and yet equally important form of distraction. I'm counting on Harpo's antics to keep batters' eyes off the ball.

8. Carol Lombard in center field. I just think she'd have fun out there with Harpo.

9. Danny Kaye in right field. Distraction for those left-handed batters.

Alternates: Jane Russell, Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day

So there. My fantasy old school Hollywood baseball team could totally beat yours. If you made one. Which you should. It's fun.