I asked you a simple question! Do you love her? YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Bumming a Dime

One evening, my sister and I watched Isabella Rosselini charm her way past some armed guards on an episode of "Alias." My sister frowned, and I asked her what was wrong. "Nothing's wrong," she said. "It's just... she's not that fine. And everybody's falling all over her like she's just so sexy." I agreed. My sister continued, "She's a fake dime piece."

That conversation took place over two years ago, and the term "fake dime piece" has become a household word at the Point of Babette. As we hipsters know, a "dime piece," is an exceptionally attractive person--a perfect 10. A fake dime piece, however, has this mysterious something that makes him or her appear exceptionally attractive.

We can't be sure what that mysterious something is. I think it's different for every fake dime piece out there. For example...

Keira Knightley does hold her own in movies like "Bend It Like Beckham" and "Pirates of the Caribbean," but I don't understand why it's taking the world so long to realize how angular her entire body is. When she isn't too thin, she's too plain. I could pass her on the street and not know what I've done.

Jamie Foxx--and this pains me to say--is not terribly attractive. He has small eyes and worn skin. During a viewing of "Dreamgirls" my sister wondered why he looked older than Eddie Murphy in some scenes. He is a fake dime piece, friends. Why haven't you noticed? He's an Academy Award-winning actor with a sharp sense of humor and a silky-smooth singing voice. It took me a while to notice, too.

Uma Thurman causes men to battle bumblebees and crash their bikes in the movie "The Truth About Cats and Dogs." Stephanie and I had a difficult time, however, understanding how her "beauty" overshadowed Janeane Garofalo's. Yes, she's leggy, and she's blonde, and she knows how to wield a sword--but her eyes are all bulbous. And she has man hands.

Josh Holloway. Sorry, "Lost" fans. Sawyer's head is too small for his body. Seriously--he's like that safari hunter waiting in the underworld social worker's office at the end of "Beetlejuice." Not hot.

Cameron Diaz's head always reminds me a little of pancakes. No, there isn't a way to explain that. That's all I have. Like Uma Thurman, her blonde hair and long legs make it easy for the unattentive viewer to call her a dime piece. It also doesn't hurt that she's willing to play the kind of charming and hot tomboy the fellas are into these days. But let's be honest. If Justin Timberlake did, in fact, dump her for Jessica Biel--could you blame him?

Chad Michael Murray is in permanent pout mode. I imagine he'll still have angst-face well into his 30s and 40s. Perhaps it's the often frosted hair and that studied nonchalance that make the girls swoon, but there's not much else there. There's a vacuum behind those eyes.

Virginia Madsen, according to Stephanie, wasn't worth Paul Giamatti's attention in "Sideways." Yes, that's harsh, but maybe she has a point there. The skin of her face seems so... washed out. And it might be just us, but she's so smug. She floated around "Prairie Home Companion" with an air of superiority--and, yes, we know she was an angel of death--but did she have to be so smarmy about it? We later realized--that's just her face.

That's only a handful of fake dime pieces. I'm sure you could think of more. And it's not that we don't appreciate quirky, unconventional beauty in the media. Often, fake dime pieces remind us of how lovely we all are.

However, we can't help wondering if it's realistic for a cadre of 30-something military beefcakes to want to bang Isabella Rosselini?

Saturday, February 10, 2007

"Someone Stop Me; O Someone Please, Just Try and Stop Me!"

Alright.

My stalking of Cary Grant has reached a new level.

After spending some time reading Fast-Talking Dames by Maria DiBattista and realizing just how many of those Cary Grant has played opposite, I've started combing the TCM listing for his movies and taking pains to record them. Because our VCR stubbornly refuses to do any sort of timed recording, I've more than once woken up at 4AM on a weeknight just to press record.

These are not the usual Cary Grant movies. If they were, I'd already have them. Right now My Favorite Wife, Indiscreet, Charade, Bringing Up Baby, I Was A Male War Bride, That Touch of Mink, Amazing Adventure and His Girl Friday already have cozy places in my movie collection. These are movies that have maybe seen the beaten path, but have never had the opportunity to set up shop there.

My first get was, along with those that immediately followed it, part of a Cary Grant birthday celebration. Suzy is a Jean Harlow vehicle set during WWII. Cary Grant is only in the second half of the movie as her French fighter-pilot husband. He's a cad, cavorting with other women, one of whom happens to be a German spy. It's...not a very good movie and Jean Harlow is neither fast-talking nor particularly endearing. So it's kind of a relief when Cary bites it at the end--leaving Harlow to return to her Irish first husband (don't ask).

Sylvia Scarlett was the first pairing of Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. And we're all very lucky that practice makes perfect. Hepburn plays a girl who dresses up as a boy for most of the movie, and her portrayal is as convincing as it is annoying. Which is to say a lot, on both counts. And then there's the fact that she falls for some asshole artist instead of Cary. I cannot recommend it.

The Toast of New York felt like it lasted forever. A period piece about profiteering after Civil War. The leading lady had a weird sort of frog voice and yet Cary still had to pretend to want to marry her. Not my favorite.

In Mr. Lucky, Cary is a no-good gambler who falls in love and goes good. Alright, but a little too serious about the morality of stealing from a charity meant for war relief to be an enjoyable comedy.

Before they were in An Affair to Remember, Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant teamed up for Dream Wife. Their chemistry makes it watchable, but the '50s depiction of Middle Eastern dignitaries limits the appeal.

The last movie they showed on his birthday was To Catch a Thief. Sure there's Cary and Alfred Hitchcock working for it, but there's also Grace Kelly--all judgmental and blonde and annoying.

There are two other movies I managed to record in my recent Grant-athon. I had seen both already, and that pretty much sealed my need to have copies. The first, Walk Don't Run, I had Sam record for me while I was at work. It's his last movie and has to be the first time in about 25 years that he doesn't get the girl. Instead he (quite hilariously) matchmakes his two Tokyo roommates during the Olympics. It's a remake of another great movie I recently managed to record called The More the Merrier.

The last movie I managed to get was one that aired at 4AM. It's a much more successful pairing of Cary with Katherine Hepburn called Holiday. In it, they talk a lot about freedom from the grind of the rat race and material possessions then follow it up with some acrobatics. For that, the loss of sleep is worth it.