The World According to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

Last night, Erin sat the both of us down over black bean and onion burgers (compliments of Chef Sam and very tasty) to watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. In doing so, she transported us to an entirely different world. In the interest of survival, we were quick to note some of the cultural peculiarities of the place:

1. The best way to decide whether or not you should get married to a guy you've just met is to say yes. If, after 20 minutes or so, you don't feel like ralphing, you're good to go.

2. Millie does not play. If she would like to wash your underwear, you'd better hand over your underwear.

3. The boys with both the brightest outfits and hair are definitely the most desirable, despite whatever strange backwoods customs they have.

4. Fightin's no good for courtin'.

5. Barn-raising is both a competitive and dangerous sport. We're not sure if anyone actually ends up with a barn.

6. If the Romans did it, it's clearly a great idea. That is, until your wife finds out.

7. If you hear a cat meowing outside, do not investigate unless you would like to have a sack thrown over your head while you are hauled off to a remote cabin in the mountains. (We will not judge if that's what you would like.)

8. When you get married in June, you're always a bride. That may not seem logically possible, but it's totally true.

9. Winter lasts 9 months. No, seriously.

10. 1 baby divided by 7 women equals 6 shotgun weddings.

In the end it seemed like a happy place, if more than usually scary.

Previously on "Footballers' Wive$"...

...Colum accidentally decked Shannon in a fit of jealous rage. A social critic slashed Liberty's face. Lucy wanted to know if her unborn child were black or white. And Roger's murderer was just about to give Tanya Turner a line of poisoned cocaine.

Want to know what happens next? So would I.

"Footballers' Wive$" ended on an abrupt note last year. Erin, Stephanie, and I searched message boards on IMDb and the BBC America webpage. We found that many fans of the show blame the crappaliciousness of the spinoff, "Footballers' Wive$: Overtime," for the cancellation. Also, Zoe Lucker, who played the superawesome Tanya Turner, was reluctant to continue the role.

I suppose I understand. The Point of Babette has lost beloved shows before. We're no strangers to this kind of heartache. In fact, let's think of this as an opportunity to let our imaginations explore all the possibilities in store for our favorite troupe of rich tramps:

1. Not only is Liberty's face ruined, but she learns she has a calcium deficiency. Her backbone curves, and she lives the rest of her days as the hunchback at Westminster Abbey.

2. Who the baby daddy? Both Tremaine and Bruno become daddies when Lucy gives birth to one brown baby and one pale baby. In a battle for Lucy's honor, Tremaine and Bruno decide to go "buck wild" on each other and fight while wearing antlers.

3. Colum decides to beg Shannon's forgiveness for the rest of his life, especially since his fist ruined her rhinoplasty. Shannon grows cold and will only speak to her child-lover when he brings her a new pair of hot pants with sequins.

4. Joan Collins. That's all. More Joan Collins in this imaginary future of "Footballers' Wive$." In fact, Joan Collins for President.

5. Roger's murderer offers Tanya that line of poisoned cocaine, and she does it. Nothing happens because... wait for it... it's a robot-Tanya... oh, there's more... built by Joan Collins. The real Tanya Turner is raising an army of Brazilian love slaves who are interested in nothing but football and buying her diamonds. Oh, she has something for Earls Park upon her triumphant return.

R.I.P., "Footballers Wive$." We hardly knew ye... or how low you could stoop for ratings.