Ask Stephanie's Cardboard-Eating Cat

This is the second Easter holiday in a row that Stephanie has left me to my own devices. The walls echo when she isn't here, and my characteristic indecision goes unchecked.

Lucky for me--and all of you--her insane, cardboard-eating cat was here to help me make some major choices.

Dear Asta: I've been eating right and exercising... but it's Girl Scout cookie season, and I have to dispose of these Thin Mints somehow. Should I eat the whole box while watching my Netflix movie?--SNS

Dear SNS: I am eating your couch.

Dear Asta: I'd like to listen to music while I run, but I don't have an MP3 player. Further, I don't own a computer, so I can't exactly use an MP3 player, even if I had one. Should I kick it old school and buy a portable CD player?--SNS

Dear SNS: Sometimes I chew wires.

Dear Asta: I assume you meant I should buy the CD player. So, I did it. Is it okay for me to steal double-A batteries from my roommate?--SNS

Dear SNS: I am eating the cable bill. I bite your toe.

Dear Asta: Don't you think I should avoid watching the newest crop of Asian movie horror remakes? While "Shutter" does place its American leads in Japan, there is apparently no cure for the stale, yet inscrutable plots and stilted acting. Do you think my leisure time would be better served reading Black Sexual Politics?--SNS

Dear SNS: In your bed, it is warm. I purr and purr--and chew the book you are reading.

Dear Asta: Is there anything you won't chew?--SNS

Dear SNS: No.

Have Asta direct your life. Email your questions to cardboardislife@gmail.com.

Sam's Secret Shame

The time has come to reveal to the world how Samantha Simpson, distinguished writer, scholar and instructor, spends her hard-earned money. That's right. On Britney Spears albums. She's financing the crazy.

If you ask her, she'll couch the decision to buy Britney Spear's Blackout in the language of academia: "Oh, recently in two of my classes, we had Britney week. We discussed her importance as a cultural figure, the disconnect between the image she presents and the way she talks about her personal life, as well as the media coverage of her recent breakdown." Don't buy it, friends.

When asked recently, she listed her favorite Blackout tracks: 1. Gimme More; 2. Get Naked (I Got a Plan); 3. Break the Ice; 4. Piece of Me; 5. Toy Soldier. Her new ringtone trumpets "It's Britney, bitch" every time someone calls.

So, you can see that the truth is Ms. Simpson likes to juke-it juke-it to Britney's synthesized beats. She's a fan of the pop star's dulcet computer-corrected tones. She and this guy have exchanged numbers and are planning to hang out soon.

Clearly, we need an intervention. Or merciless mocking. Whichever is easier.

[It is to be noted here with the utmost care that your humble reporter did in no way engage in a Britney Spears dance party with Samantha Simpson last Friday night, especially (but not limited to) under the influence of one or more gin and tonics.]