How to Celebrate MLK, Jr. Day

After watching last night's episode of "Trading Spouses," I realized that many Americans are not only unaware of the struggle for racial equality, but they are also undoubtedly celebrating the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. incorrectly. Even Google gave the holiday lackluster recognition with an image of kids of all races, colors, and creeds jumping rope together on their home page. Weak.

No worries, though. I offer you a few tips for celebrating everyone's favorite off-day. You're welcome:

*Take a black person to the zoo. This way of celebrating is tried and true. Think of how delighted your favorite black person will be when you show her where all the lions, tigers, and bears live. However, you have to make sure you bundle up your black person so she can keep warm in the January chill. NOTE: You can also take your black friend to a state park or a museum!

*Listen to hip-hop. According Margaret "Jeebus Lady" Perrin, Mariah Carey and Eminem are delightful hip-hop artists. Undoubtedly, their work bridges the gap between the races.

*Pretend you celebrated Kwanzaa this year. Make it a point to start dismantling your candelabra the moment your black friend comes to visit. Say things like, "Yeah, how about that Umoja, right?" If you're lucky, you'll make your black friend ashamed he didn't bother celebrating his own holiday.

*Purchase a soul-food cookbook. You may never crack the spine, but you should always have this text resting on your counter as if you were just about to cook some black-eyed peas and chopped barbecue.

*Remind an unfamiliar black person that one of your best friends is black. Say this with conviction. Make your voice waver as if you're on the verge of tears. If you're older, you might want to tell this unfamiliar black person about your nanny, the old black woman you treated like a member of your own family. NOTE: Make sure you also say you've always believed that everyone should be treated "equal." Don't worry about explaining what "equality" means.

*Be colorblind. Take your cue from heroes like "Stephen Colbert" and Michael from "The Office" and refuse to notice the color of anyone's skin. Race, after all, has nothing to do with class or cultural background. It's all about pigmentation, and the best kinds of people are not aware of something so unimportant. NOTE: For optimal results, consider gouging out your eyes. That way, everyone's dark.

Remember, friends, this is a celebration of the life of the man who taught us about having dreams where all of us can hold hands and jump rope and be excellent to each other, despite the inconvenience of our differing skin tones. So, go out there and ignore racial inequality with all your might!

This Year I'm Going to Camp

It's a whole new year and after watching a little Footballer$' Wives, I've decided our lives are not nearly dramatic enough. So, here's my list of resolutions for 2007:

1. Must start being omnisexual (i.e. boinking anything that moves or looks like it might move).

2. Alcohol is liquid, just like water. Should start drinking it as such.

3. Secret baby? Yes, indeed!

4. Start using all that extra time I have to stalk some dude. Preferably, a guy who is kind of an asshole.

5. No woman is refined without six-inch fingernails. Need to get some.

6. Convince some old guy who I have previously beat into a coma that we were having an affair pre-coma--without actually having any sex with him. Unless things get desperate.

7. Have a lavish wedding during which my husband-to-be rides in on a horse and "wakes" me with a kiss, despite having my breasts go up in flames at my bachelorette party.

8. Get myself a hot Italian Stallion for extramarital fun while my daughter is being held by kidnappers.

Yes, 2007 is going to be one dramatic year here at The Point of Babette. I can't wait.