The Mysterious Miss S

Sam returns to Greensboro today. The Prodigal has been rather incommunicado during her stint in Ohio. Which is pretty suspicious right? Just exactly what has she been up to? Here are my top 10 guesses:

1. Full body tattoo.

2. Joined a local "commune" where the proceeds from the sale of her worldly possessions finances her lifetime supply of special kool-aid.

3. Tried out for a TV dance contest, got paired with a surly guy from the other side of the tracks, had to keep everything from her disapproving army dad, but eventually won the contest, the guy and got her dad off her back. All while wearing a cute Catholic school girl outfit.

4. Got involved in a Hello Kitty waffle iron smuggling ring, was busted by Federal authorities and forced to become a spy within the group--which eventually led to the downfall of the whole enterprise.

5. Became a Rasputina groupie.

6. Was shot on the day of her wedding rehersal, went into a coma only to wake up some time later ready to kill a lot of people. With a big sword. While wearing yellow.

7. Became so frustrated with her hair that she joined a convent with particularly fetching habits. At first the straight-laced Mother Superior had her do chores, but eventually she decided to put Sam to work as the choir director. The choir became a huge hit after Sam mixed a little rock and roll into the regular hymns, which was great until her mobster boyfriend got wind of it. Um, did I mention the mobster boyfriend?

8. Became the newest recruit in the French Foreign Legion.

9. Was arrested outside the house of one Trey Parker. Mrs. Parker alledged that Sam had been trying to scale the garden wall while singing a modified version of "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" wherein she replaced "Kyle's Mom" with "Trey's Wife".

10. Engaged in a marathon 2-week WriterFight tournament. Upon winning the grand prize, she collapsed from dehydration and fatigue, her last discernable words being, "Suck on that, Hunter S. Thompson!"

Well, those are my guesses. What do you guys think?

Book Divorce

I'll stay with a bad book. Like any participant in an ill-fated relationship, I linger to the very end, wondering why the two of us just can't make it work and get along. I imagine my patience will make the text stop hurting my feelings and forgetting our anniversary. This patience, however, could spell my downfall as a reader. While I wait up for my bad lover of a book to come home, all the good books--the ones that would treat me right--pass me by.

Earlier this summer, I entered a doomed relationship with Isabel Allende's Zorro. Allende's work and I have gotten along well in the past. House of the Spirits holds steady on my top ten list of favorite books. And even though I've never seen an episode of "Zorro" or any of the movies, I committed to the text of Zorro. It took me over two weeks to break out of this monotonous relationship, and I had to worm my way out of it with some time-honored cliches: "It's not you, baby, it's me. Maybe we should read other people."

Then I met Elizabeth Kostova's The Historian. It was a whirlwind courtship. The book promised me a fresh perspective on that mysterious stranger, Dracula. And in the beginning, this text was as authoritative as a warm hand on the small of my back. I trusted it, and we were married by page 150 (out of 642).

And then I noticed a few unsettling details. The book claimed to contain many perspectives, but the narrative droned in the same tone. It didn't matter if the narrator was an 18-year-old girl or her vampire-hunting mother.

I let that slide.

And then the delicious tension that kept us up all night in that beginning began to melt. I asked myself, Would a person who'd been kidnapped by the Dark Master really write a 60-page letter to his daughter explaining how it happened... in the time that it was happening? No, it wouldn't happen that way.

I pretended for a long time that nothing was wrong. SPOILER ALERT: I finally reached my limit when our heroes encounter Dracula in his lair. Throughout the novel, the world's most famous vampire sent minions to kill, maim, and destroy everything surrounding the lives of our protagonists, and you know why? I'll tell you why: he needed a professor to catalogue his collection of books... forever!

Really, The Historian? Really?

I am ashamed to say I actually finished this novel, even when it was clear there was no helping it or the relationship we'd built together. I'd like to believe I'll never do this again, but what can I say? I'm unlucky in love.

Things That Are Working for Me Right Now

1. Battlestar Galactica. Erin and I are currently ensconced in the second season of the new series on DVD, and it's pretty awesome. In particular, I am appreciating the batshit Dr. Gaius Baltar and somewhat violent Cylon fantasy girl.

2. New clothes from New York & Co. I am so pretty today.


3. The High Point, NC greenway. Erin, Brit and I walked almost its entirety yesterday. It's a good time.


4. Black Sheep. Beware pissed off, genetically-altered, man-eating sheep. There is no end to the funny.

5. $10 shoes from Rack Room Shoes. My feet are also pretty. And economical.


6. Episodes of Supernatural on DVD and online. I watched a featurette where they described it as Han Solo and Luke Skywalker on an American roadtrip dealing with local urban legends. Which pretty much explains my affection for it.


7. Astacat cuddles in the morning. They are doubly effective for waking me up and making me want to stay in bed.


8. The Mint Museums in Charlotte. They're not about what you put in your tea, but they are full of some fairly interesting pieces of art and design. And on Saturday, we got into both free. Plus there was free lemonade and cookies.