I asked you a simple question! Do you love her? YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Just Like Buddy Holly is Good Enough for Me

snovellasimpson: My love for Weezer is inappropriate.
seliseburns: Don't listen so hard you get pregnant. I mean, I didn't know that could happen until you mentioned Crystal's problem, but I'm really worried about you now.
snovellasimpson: But would it be so bad, Stephanie? I could have a little Weezer baby.
seliseburns: Well, when you put it like that.
snovellasimpson: My little Emmett could wear black rimmed glasses.
seliseburns: Would the baby be born with geek chic glasses on? (I swear I was typing that before you typed yours.)
snovellasimpson: It is no secret we have the same brain. And he would be born that way. Totally born that way... Okay--so in all their videos, they look like they totally do not belong, and if they turned around and saw what was happening behind them, they would lose their shit. And that's why I love Weezer.
seliseburns: Hee. That is appetizing. I love when people are perched precariously on the edge of their shit.

The Next Day--
snovellasimpson: Read about Rivers Cuomo--and then answer a few questions I have, okay?
seliseburns: Let me guess. You want to end his celibacy.
snovellasimpson: Like yesterday. However, my question for you is this: Why am I attracted to white men who are attracted to Asian women?
seliseburns: What other white men attracted to Asian women are you attracted to?
snovellasimpson: Trey and Percy.
seliseburns: Huh. Well, I don't know, Sam. That is really strange.
snovellasimpson: So not cool.
seliseburns: Well, only if they aren't attracted to you as well. Which, you don't know.
snovellasimpson: I'll never know.
seliseburns: Maybe not. But maybe so. Certainly, Rivers has to tell you something when you attempt your seduction.
snovellasimpson: He'll be all, "Sorry, babe. Your body is bangin', but you're no Ziyi Zhang." Because he talks like that.
seliseburns: Not necessarily. He may be like, "Look, um, you're really freakin' beautiful. But I've got this whole celibacy thing going..." And you'll be like, "Me too! I thought we could work through it together." And then he'll break down.
snovellasimpson: And then after we... uh, resolve our resolutions, we can eat popcorn and watch the 1955 "Sabrina." Two times in a row.
seliseburns: Why that particular movie?
snovellasimpson: I like it.
seliseburns: Oh. Okay.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Love Me, Love My Stuff, Part 4

This time--Heather* on places we've been together.**

*Heather is my older sister. She is a serious but serious fan of Firefly. If you were to stand between her and her Firefly DVD set, she would put you down. She, my little sister Laura and their fat cat Burrito live in a fabulous boudoir that they made out of a dentist's office--which is just as weird as it sounds.

**I realize that 'places' are not exactly stuff. But Sam had Crystal talk about people she thinks are hot. So I feel justified with a broad definition of stuff. Besides, Heather didn't want to talk about books. This is a jumbled list of places we've been throughout our childhood on various trips, road or otherwise.

The Memphis Zoo: "I don't remember the Memphis Zoo. It must have been tiny. If I don't remember half these places are you gonna tell everyone I have Alzheimer's?"

Montreal, Canada: "The riverside walk we took was really pretty. That was where we went to that maze thing, isn't it? That was cool. I still have the brochure, somewhere. You know what you should do, instead of writing all this down? You should call the NSA and get the phone records. Get the recording."

Cancun, Mexico: "We stayed in a hotel shaped like a pyramid. It was all white. And Dad spent a bunch of time talking to a bellman in Spanish out in the hall and he was really proud of it. And Mom has this picture of us on the mantle in their room where we are at this restaurant outside the pyramids, Chichen Itza, in sombreros and holding a parrot. And you have a mischevous look on your face. But you do in most pictures, at that age [I was five. --Stephanie]."

The Denver Natural History Museum: "Was a lot of fun. It was a long way to walk, and we probably shouldn't have attempted it, but it was a more interesting story than the museum [William, Heather and I walked to the museum from downtown Denver. She's right. It was a hell of a long walk. - Stephanie]. And I don't remember any of the exhibits - although there may have been a dinosaur in the hall - or that could be another museum."

The Empire State Building: "It was not as long a line as it could have been but there were all these weird pictures in it. The view was spectacular, though, just like they have on 'Law and Order.' Or I might be thinking of the wrong show, but on some show they have an aerial view of Manhattan. And wouldn't you know it, Manhattan looks the same?"

Chinatown, San Francisco: "Chinatown was so much fun. Especially eating in that restaurant where we didn't understand anything. But the food was good, I think. Not great, but good."

The Continental Divide, Glacier, Montana: "I have lots of vague memories of us and snow, but you know there's Yellowstone, and Glacier National Park, and Rock Mountain National Park and they're all starting to glaze together, although there are probably big age differences there. But I don't remember the continental divide specifically."

Salt Lake City, Utah: [While I was catching up with writing down Heather's answer for the question above, I told her to think about this one. She said, "You already know what I'm going to say. Why don't you just say it for me?" To which I said, "No! You have to say it! But hold on!"] "You didn't let me lick the salt flats!!! (And you can be judicious with the exclamation points on that.) I mean, the city seemed well-designed. And the big mound of salt at the Morton Salt factory was impressive."

St. Augustine, Florida: "I liked St. Augustine. It was fun. It was hot, I think. We spent some time in old St. Augustine and that was cool. It was really...short. [I laugh.] No! I remember these buildings with exposed wood and little parks with bits of grass...shut up!"

San Antonio, Texas: "Oh, I loved San Antonio! Now, the riverwalk there I remember really well, because we did it and then when I went with the house-building people from church and Mom, we did it again. It felt like a million different places. The Alamo was...blah. I know. I have a callous lack of respect for history, as a history major."

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Love Me, Love My Stuff, Part 3

This time--Crystal* on Hot White Guys (and Jesse L. Martin)

*Crystal is not a hugging friend--unless (1) we've had too much merlot or (2) "Final Destination 3" is scaring the bejebus out of us. I think she watches Gale Harold ("Queer as Folk") with such intensity, she risks getting pregnant. These things happen.

Clark Gable: "So hot. That scene in Gone with the Wind with the angryRhett and the swoonScarlett? I just melt... but I heard he had bad breath."

Cary Grant: "I've never seen a Cary Grant movie, but that doesn't make him any less hot."

Trey Parker: "I'm afraid to praise him because I don't want you to think I'm making a play on your man [Smart girl.--Sam]. But Orgazmo? Hella tight."

Johnny Depp: "Onolicious. That's 'yummy' in Hawaiian pidgin."

Colin Firth: "I'm sorry, I thought he had officially changed his name to Mr. Darcy--which is also fine."

David Boreanaz: "I really wouldn't mind watching 'Bones' (not to be confused with 'Bonez' of Snoop fame)."

Owen Wilson: "Have you ever made a movie that wasn't splendiferous? You and your brother are so supafly."

Jesse L. Martin: "ROCKS MY WORLD! Santa Fe, here we come! Love that man--will have his babies!"

Monday, February 13, 2006

Love Me, Love My Stuff, Part 2

This time -- Debra D.* on movies.

*Debra D.** very much enjoys drinking and Irishmen. She recently traveled to the Mecca for both drinking and Irishmen, um, Ireland. She also recently got into law school. I know we're all sleeping a little more soundly, knowing Debra will soon be able to defend us in court.

**During this interview, Debra was drunk.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs: "Love it. Great comedy. It's annoying though, because they took Uma Thurman, who's not that pretty, and made her the ideal and took Janeane Garofalo, who's actually pretty, and made her think she was ugly."

Moulin Rouge!: "Freakin' hated that movie. Total crap. So cliche and over the top. I couldn't stand it. Pain in my ass."

Persuasion: "As in Jane Austen? Too long for me to sit through. [It's only two hours.] I reinterate my first statement."

The Philadelphia Story: [Due to background noise at the bar, Debra at first thought I said Philadelphia. To which she said: "Good movie. Very inspirational. Although, I think in real life, Tom Hanks would have never won that case."] "Loved it. Thought it was great. It's Cary Grant. Who doesn't love him?"

An American in Paris: "No idea. Haven't seen it."

The Royal Tenenbaums: "Great movie. Weird as hell, but I loved it. Very quirky."

Clueless: "Disturbing, annoying movie that you are compelled to watch. The girl gets together with her stepbrother, which is apparently not against the law?"

Down with Love: "Hated it. Absolutely hated. It was a play on Doris Day, who accomplished something for women in movies. I mean, I was okay with the feminism in the movie until the end when she began all that 'I knew you'd do this so I did this' crap. Then I hated it. I cannot stand it. It makes me ill."

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Love Me, Love My Stuff, Part 1

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, let's play a game. I made a few lists of my favorite things, and I've asked some of my favorite people to tell me what they think about those favorite things.

This week--boySam* on bands.

*boySam claims to be both a pirate and a hot martial arts stud. He is not. He likes stamps, and he has a killer beard. No, really--it's dangerous. Like Tino from "My So-Called Life," he never shows up to hang out. He is also known to make me swoon on Wednesdays and sometimes on Fridays.

1. Rasputina: "Rapunzel. Long hair. Blonde." Also, 'Tina, you fat lard.'--Napoleon Dynamite.

2. Weezer: "Blue and Pinkerton were good. He needs to have sex so he (Rivers Cuomo) can make good music again."

3. Siouxsie & the Banshees: "It's good. Cooler name. Reminds me of Native Americans."

4. Alicia Keys: "I think she has nice hair, but I might be thinking of someone else."

5. Garbage: "Smells after a while. Pirates throw it around their new ships to feel more at home."

6. Aretha Franklin: "That one song is overrated and overplayed." [Drew hand giving the finger.]

7. The Cardigans: "A typical indie snob would say Siouxsie is the best band on here. But I'm going with this one because I'm better."

After Steve

8-word poem

Baby has
the croup.

Sounds like
a puppy.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Ten Things That Are BETTER Than Drag Queen Gospel Choir at The Scene

1. Huffing lemon-scented Pledge
2. Gas prices
3. Brain freeze
4. Slow internet
5. Taking standardized exams
6. Kelly Clarkson's first single
7. "The War at Home" and "Stacked" on the same night
8. Papercuts
9. Eating Elmer's School Glue
10. Syphilis

Friday, February 03, 2006

Open Ambivalence Letter #1: John Cusack

Dear John Cusack,

I can't decide about you.

In Being John Malkovich, you were one lonely greasy puppeteer. A puppeteer! Who got a kick out of crawling into John Malkovich's head! How cool is that? Not only that, but you being in that movie helped support the career of one of my favorite screenwriters - Charlie Kaufman.

You've made some other good choices. Grosse Point Blank is hilarious; Better Off Dead, without peer. My favorite scenes in Sixteen Candles involve you, skinny little geek that you were, being manhandled in and out of the trunk of a car.

Then there are the movies you've made that make me question my taste a little. You are such an ass in High Fidelity that it's not you or your odd-looking girlfriend that make that movie fun for me It is, of course, Jack Black, who stole every single scene he was in - and left a few thumbprints on ones he wasn't. I hate that I always laugh at America's Sweethearts. It's such a Hollywood in-joke and Julia Roberts-vanity-role movie. But I still find it funny. So, I'm okay with you choosing to do those movies.

What I am not okay with: Serendipity. You, Kate Beckinsale, Molly Shannon and Jeremy Piven ought to be heartily ashamed. I would add Eugene Levy to that list, but I think he needs to be ashamed of other things first, namely that Olsen twins movie he did not too long ago. Here I am, trying my hardest not to write off the romantic comedy entirely, and there you go coming out with the sappiest piece of crap I've ever had the misfortune to pay money to see. (And that's saying something. 'Cause I did see Kate & Leopold. The one where Meg Ryan actually chooses to go back in time and be oppressed for the rest of her life.) I mean, seriously, John Cusack? An entire movie named after and advertising an ice cream sundae shop? And you couldn't see the sickly sweet coming? Kate Beckinsale's character manufactures every single obstacle in the whole movie, just, you know, for fun. You spend the whole movie half-heartedly thumbing through books at used book stores instead of getting over Ms. Headcase. What kind of a fan do you take me for, John Cusack? I can't sanction that kind of behavior.

Recently, rather than rectify this situation, you have added insult to injury. Because you know what Must Love Dogs is, John Cusack? It is salt, poured with generous and sadistic abandon over those Serendipity papercuts. There's no tricking me again, though. I'm staying far away from it. Until it comes out on cable and I'm bored and need a new reason to hate myself for wasting time.

Because, I still can't hate you, John Cusack. I still might want to see The Ice Harvest on DVD. You've done (and are still doing) some bad things. But you've also done some good. You're like this addict constantly relapsing into crap movies. And that means, I can't ever trust you enough to see all your movies. But I also can't leave you alone. Because, who knows? You could have a sober day and pick out another Being John Malkovich.

You've forced me into this ambivalence, John Cusack. It is all your fault.

Very sincerely yours (on days when you're not crap),
Stephanie