Open Letter of Ambivalence #2: Hip-Hop and You Don't Stop

Oh, Rappers and Your Delights,

We need to talk.

It's not that I don't love you. You know how to get the party started right. In fact, a party ain't a party unless you're there. Your bass lines, the hypnotic flow of your rhymes, your catchy hooks--how can I not be an appreciater? Rock--even rock of the punk variety--just doesn't cut it when it's time to get my jam on.

But let's be honest. You weren't made for me. I'm a feminist. I've been a feminist for a long time: I graduated from Girl Power to grrrl power to womanism to hardcore feminism. It's just that serious. And when it's that serious, I have a difficult time stomaching lyrics like "bitches ain't shit." Oh, it was a little cute when a young Will Smith (AKA The Fresh Prince) declared "Girl's Ain't Nothin' But Trouble," but my blood boils when harder rappers boast about getting their jimmies whacked. The beat might be slammin', but I can't get past the narrative.

And yet I can't deny the cultural importance of rap and hip-hop. It's a purely American art form--a rhythmic combination of storytelling, poetry, and bravado. You've infected suburbia. You've infected the mountainfolk, even. Everyone's favorite skinny, white-boy rocker from west NC (represent!), boySam, schools me on hip-hop; he warns me about the possibility of losing "black" points for my inability to recognize some Wu-Tang Clan songs.

You, too, are just that serious.

So, I had mixed feelings when I watched Three 6 Mafia give their acceptance speech at that Great American Juggernaut of Validation, the Academy Awards. I was like, "Hooray?" Because while I understand it's "hard out here for a pimp," I am a bit more understanding of the plight of a female sex worker.

There used to be a time when female MCs didn't have to sex it up to keep company with their male counterparts. I miss Roxanne, MC Lyte, Yo-Yo, and the rapping version of Queen Latifah. And it seems to me that Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott is doing all the heavy lifting of female representation in the hip-hop world.

So, what are we going to do? We are nothing if not honest with each other. I can't ask you to be any less hard or profane, and you certainly can't ask me to forget my convictions.

Catch you at the next party.

Ho-tel, Mo-tel, Holiday Inn,
Sam

Falling Star Outreach Program

So, it happens over the course of a career in Hollywood that you get your Big Break, are the Next Big Thing and people cannot get enough of you. Then, inevitably, things cool down. You appear in a few flops. And suddenly, all the commentators who were heralding your arrival are making jokes about your fading career, your love life, that slightly weird thing that your face does when you get all dramatic. But here at The Point of Babette, we are all about rehabilitating our former favorites. So here's some advice to some flailing stars:

Orlando Bloom: So, it's a bad sign when heterosexual women who actually find you attractive avoid your last few movies like you were handing out leprosy at the door. But really, how many more historical costume dramas do you think you can do? And so far, your only foray into the modern world was a project with the lethal combination of Kirsten Dunst and Cameron Crowe. So, I think going back to do Pirates of the Carribbean 2 and 3 is a good idea. You should continue to be Johnny Depp's cute younger sidekick up to and including the point at which he sets the French police after you. The second lead in a really good (or at least really enjoyable) movie is a much more respectable role than slapping your face on the poster of five dismally boring period pieces. Once you're done with that, do a heist movie. Play a disreputable character with some good one-liners. Try to look like you are both above the age of twelve and sexually attracted to women. See what that does for you.

Halle Berry: Well, first off, I think we both know that you need to take some time away from franchises. Sure, the studios love them because all twenty sequels will become blockbusters, but you've seen the painful result when one fails to take off. Plus, that Oscar is starting to give you dirty looks. Which is not to say that you should start doing crazy prestige independent movies or trying to recreate Monster's Ball. To start, work with an auteur. Woody Allen or Robert Altman. Stretch a little and avoid the temptation to either make the movie about how sexy you are or how you've made yourself ugly for the role because you are an Actor. Then work with another kind of auteur. M. Night Shamaylan or Baz Luhrmann. Remember, having an Academy Award does not mean you don't have to try anymore.

Cuba Gooding, Jr.: Oh dear. Where to start? If there are animals of any kind in the script, say no. In fact, learn to say no, period. I think your Academy Award may have been the worst thing to happen to your career as it forced you into a premature leading man role. So, go back a bit. Start getting some supporting roles in some good movies. Try to get Terrance Howard's agent. Take on some serious roles where you play a grown-up. Maybe you and Orlando Bloom could do that heist movie together.

Paul Walker: Okay, you were never a favorite. But you could probably manage to come up with a decent career if you stopped playing teenagers. I mean, what are you? 45? In any other year, I'd say you need to play a gay cowboy. But somebody beat you to it. So, you must do the next best thing. Play the male lead in a Reese Witherspoon romcom vehicle. Aim for understated and sexy. Once you do that, you can seek out loftier pastures.

Minnie Driver: For goodness sake, stop guest-starring on Will and Grace. Jump off the sinking ship already. Also, playing the 8th lead in movie versions of overwrought Broadway musicals is not the way to go. Instead, take a cue from Sandra Bullock. Find an action movie to do. You'll probably have to be the second lead to some male star, but make sure you're funny and sexy. Oh, and no more vanity albums. (Bad girl!)

We can only hope that this advice benefits both you, the actors, and the general public, who sure are apathetic about bad movies. But mostly, we give this advice for ourselves, so that we can feel we warned you that you were turning your hybrid SUV in the wrong direction before you drive yourself into obscurity.

The Movie Spoiler Power Hour

The Point of Babette knows you don't have time to catch every Asian horror film that goes straight to DVD. So, we give you a summary of The Pang Brothers' cinematic masterpiece, The Eye 2 (as told to Stephanie by Sam over the phone):

"Girl. So, okay. Okay--there's this girl, and she's, like, shopping and hanging out in her hotel room or whatever. And I'm trying to figure out if she's from the first movie, but then I realize that she's not, and I'm like, 'Okay, this is a sequel featuring none of the original characters. Awesome.' Anyway, she's in her room, and she takes all these pills, and then she passes out right after all these dead people start hanging out around her bed. So, then, time passes or something, and she got her stomach pumped, but then she finds out she's pregnant, and--can I just say it worries me when people like that have children--

"Oh! I forgot the part where she's having an affair with a married man, and the married man's wife, like, totally killed herself by jumping in front of a train.

"Anyway, this mess finds out she's pregnant--not the wife, the mess that tried to kill herself with the pills, but then all this weird stuff starts happening--like she can see the married guy's dead wife, and she's all, 'WTF?'

"So, she visits this guru, and he's all, 'Hey, you know how people get reincarnated? Well, that lady probably just wants to start her new life, so chill out and stop screaming and freaking out, okay?' And she says she gets it, but she doesn't because she completely loses her shit when she sees some other ghost try to jump into some lady's dead baby--

"No, I don't know why the baby was dead, Stephanie.

"Anyway, she sees this dead chick's face on her baby's ultrasound, and she starts freaking out. And I'm like, 'Okay, we talked about this,' but this thang was like, 'Hey, guess what--I'll kill myself--because killing myself would totally solve this specific problem.' Oh, and, by the way, she talked to her guru friend again, he told her to chill, but did she listen? Why would she listen? We have 40 more minutes of celluloid to burn.

"So, yeah, she's about to go into labor or whatever, and she flips out and throws herself off the top of the hospital building, and it was nasty. She's all bloody, and the ghost wife of her ex-boyfriend is standing over her like, 'Yeah, could you stop?' And this stupid cow keeps trying to off herself, but then she keeps saying to the ghost woman, 'Stay away from my baby,' because, yeah, killing yourself is the best way to protect your unborn child.

"So, the hospital workers find her, and she gives birth, and the baby is totally normal because--hello!--the old guy totally told her that spirits get recycled, and I just don't get how she figured she didn't have to listen to a guy who communicates with the dead on the regular. And then at the end, you see this shot of ghosts hanging out in a Lamaze class, and, okay, is that supposed to be creepy? Because we already know dead people are awesome and don't hurt babies."

Ah, Spring Break...

So, last week was Sam's Spring Break. And she was sick. Which is a good way to spoil your plans for debauchery. Here's a list of five things that it is inadvisable to attempt with a fever of 102:

1.) Beer-chugging. Sure, it's an impressive feat and you don't want anyone to break your record, but with a stuffy nose, you run the risk of asphixiating yourself completely. That's a Darwin award, my friend.

2.) Suntanning. Okay, the bikini seemed like a great idea when you were burning up, but now that your chills are back, the beach towel isn't covering all it should. Plus? No pockets for your tissues.

3.) Water-skiing. You get dizzy from sitting up in bed. And if you fall off it, you're not going to drown.

4.) The jacuzzi. It's a hot bath with a swimsuit, right? That's good for you, right? Well, good for you, but not for anyone else. With hot water right under it, your stuffy nose turns runny. You're too wet to grab a tissue so you're either sniffling to the rhythm of the jets or you're not having that much success with the sniffling and your personal fluids are creeping ever closer to communal waters.

5.) Wet t-shirt contest. Forget issues of modesty and good taste. Standing around in wet clothes is just going to make you sicker.

What does this tell us? Well, it pretty much blows to be sick on Spring Break. Do not attempt at home. (Get better Sam!)

Right After Jack Nicolson Popped His Eyebrows and Said, "Crash"...

Sam called me and said, "Tell me that mess did not just win Best Picture. Tell me it did not."

Alternatives to Humanity

Being a grown-up human being is a drag. I would rather be a:

1. Dinosaur (Pterodactyl acceptable, T. Rex better)
2. Mermaid
3. Unicorn
4. Ghost
5. (The) White Whale
6. Octopus (with a garden)
7. Bottle of Puerto Rican rum

None of these entities--as far as I know--have to fill out a 1040.