The Fall of TV - Part 4

Thursday night: Where Friends once stomped around and killed everything else. Let’s see if the mice have evolved into anything good. (A little belated because I am no good.)

ABC
Alias: So, I’ve been about ready to give up on this show for two seasons. But, of course, the cliff-hanger: “I’m not Michael Vaughn.” Since Michael Vaughn is one of about 3 characters I actually care about on that show (the others being Jack Bristow and Irina Derevko), I guess I’ll watch and see who he really is. But, if they (as is rumored) kill off the aforementioned Michael Vaughn, it may be the point at which JJ Abrams and I finally part ways for good. REVISION FOLLOWING LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE: Kiss my ass, JJ Abrams. I’m taking my business elsewhere.

Night Stalker: A remake of an older TV show. But this time with Gabrielle Union. You know, I had no idea what this was about before I started writing this, but I looked it up and it looks a little interesting. At least compared to the other things on at 9 on Thursday.

CBS
Survivor: Guatemala: Despite its popularity and extreme proliferation, I’ve never watched a single episode of Survivor. I think it may be the high unattractive naked people content that generally scares me off.

CSI: Extreme close-ups of bugs and dead people. Just what I’ve always wanted to watch after dinner.

Without a Trace: Not a bad show, but I always feel like the episode goes downhill from the opening sequence where someone just fades away from wherever they were last seen. Plus, I’m an ER watcher from way back so I usually don’t even think of this show.

NBC
Joey: Not even Jennifer Coolidge of the esteemed Christopher Guest comedy troupe can make me tune in for this sad, weak little spin-off.

Will and Grace: It’s not what it once was. The shtick has gone the way of that bread in the back of my cabinet. Which is to say, stale and moldy. Plus, Grace has gotten no less irritating.

The Apprentice: There’s only so much Donald Trump you can take in a lifetime, folks, and I have reached my extreme limit.

ER: I’ll probably watch. I have all sorts of problems with this show, but it’s a handy staple. Plus, it still has Maura Tierney, who won my unswerving devotion on Newsradio, and Parminder Nagra from Bend It Like Beckham.

Fox
The O.C.: Oh, stick-thin, too-clever-for-words, soap opera flunkies. Your show is just a little too soapy for me.

Reunion: I’m staying away from all the new high-concept shows this year. The concept for this one is murder mystery told backwards. Or something. It’s a little too complicated for me right now.

The WB
Smallville: Lois and Clark will always be the only Superman story I need to see. Not even pretty pretty Tom Welling can make me want to watch this.

Everwood: I think it’s about doctors or mountains or some sort of combination of the two.

UPN
Everybody Hates Chris: I may be checking this out now that Alias has gone off the deep end. It looks pretty funny.

Love, Inc.: This reminds me of the show with Alicia Silverstone that got cancelled really quick. Except that that was an hour-long thing. Anyway, I probably won’t venture into what looks like a pretty lame little sitcom, but then, with Alias gone, all bets are off.

Eve: Being a hip-hop star does not automatically mean you are also an actor. In fact, the opposite could probably be said with about 99% accuracy.

Cuts: If you were wondering what ever happened to that girl from American Pie – the exchange student – this is what happened. She’s on UPN ripping off Barbershop.

The verdict: I may just read or watch a movie. But if I don’t, I’ll try out Everybody Hates Chris and possibly watch ER. Alias, you never knew how good you had it until you lost it.

Open Hate Mail, Part 2

Ernie, Ernie, Ernie Reyes, Jr.,

I never thought it would be you. And I would say this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you, but that's not really how I want it to be. I suffered through "The Ultimate Fight," your directorial debut. You deserve your obscurity, this letter of open hatred, and so much more.

Now, there's nothing wrong with being a stunt turtle or even taking a turn as a pizza delivery guy in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II." There's something a little wrong about releasing a hip-hop album titled, "Asia's Last Dragon," but I let that go, too. Charm has many different shapes, right?

But your movie? Let's just say that if I had anything even resembling a crush on you, it would be over now. The plot is indecipherable. The characters, at their best, are flat stereotypes, and at their worst, they are mentally disabled. The script is cliched, boring, offensive, and stupid. I didn't know a script could be all these things at once. Here's a sample of "dialogue" that you (and Manu Tapou) wrote--

SOME DUDE: ....mother[screw]ers!
SOME OTHER DUDE: I [screw] mothers too.
ERNIE REYES, SR:...Let's see you [screw] your mother.

What? Have you ever seen a movie before?

And why is everyone wearing windsuits? Why is the villain a cross-dressing lunatic who called Hitler? Hitler, Ernie. You named your villain Hitler, and you thought it was clever.

I despise you.

I despise you, and I once felt for you a pure, gentle, unassuming love. I adored you when I was five, and the fact of it didn't change for eight years. That's seven years and eight months longer than the union between Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney lasted. I own "Red Sonja" and "Surf Ninjas," not because they're awesome but because you are in them. You used to kick ass. Now, you are an ass.

So, this is it. We're done. I think I don't ever want to see you again. You're short. You can't act. You can't write. Your tae kwon do is stale. And you're a Scientologist. I should have cut you loose--completely loose--in 1994.

Shut It Your Face,
Sam

The Fall of TV - Part 3

And now, the sad state of Wednesday night TV.

ABC
George Lopez/Freddie: Now, I have heard some rumblings about this being the Latino hour of comedy, but really, is Freddie Prinze Jr. Latino? I mean, he seems whiter than Wonderbread.

Lost: Reasons why I will not be watching Lost this season: 1.) It is on opposite Veronica Mars, a clearly superior show. 2.) There is no way in which this show with this set of writers could satisfactorily reveal the show’s mysteries. 3.) I cannot stand more than half of the characters and that just happens to be the half with all the screen time. 4.) Bad writing. I mean, consider the season premiere’s “surprise” ending. They introduce a character in the same episode that they “reveal” that he’s on the island. This, my friends, is not how suspense is achieved.

Invasion: This is so clearly a companion piece to Lost that it seems to have formed entirely from the drool of network executives. Which is an appropriately gross image for an alien show. Just not interested.

CBS
Still Standing / Yes, Dear: More family sitcoms. You know, when people despair and predict the death of the sitcom, these are their examples.

Criminal Minds: This is Mandy Patinkin’s new procedural vehicle. I’d like to think that my general respect and admiration for Mandy Patinkin would cause me to watch this if it weren’t on opposite Veronica Mars. But I would be lying. Because Mandy Patinkin hasn’t done anything in the last twenty years that I just really wanted to see and a procedural cop show is no exception.

CSI:NY: This is the red-headed step-child of the CSI family. Except the red-headed guy is on the Miami one. Who’s on this one anyway? That’s how little I care.

NBC
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart: So, I appreciate that Martha Stewart exists and that she designed the cute little test-tube ice cube trays that I currently use. But I kind of like to keep that aura of mystery around her which seems to be totally at odds with the reality show concept. I like to think she’s at her best when she is wielding her ergonomically designed whip over the heads of all those little elves she has sewing throw pillows and arranging fake flowers in a sweatshop in Connecticut. That’s where she belongs, not leaching success off Donald Trump.

E-Ring: Oh, the military. How you disinterest me.

Law & Order: The original, accept no substitutes, Colonel’s secret recipe show. You know, except for those twelve clones.

Fox
That ‘70s Show: It feels like this show has actually been on since the ‘70s. Once one of your “teenage” leads settles down in Kabbalah bliss with an AARP member, shouldn’t you think about laying the show to rest?

Stacked: Somehow, Pamela Anderson always gets work. What’s great about America, people.

Head Cases: Fox has actually already cancelled this show. After only 2 episodes. Which actually seems pretty fitting since I can’t imagine sitting through Chris O’Donnell and that other guy being “quirky” lawyers. Now, they’re going to air repeats of Nanny 911. Good luck with that, guys.

The WB
One Tree Hill: So, I’m pretty sure they just recast Dawson’s Creek with younger actors for this show. Can’t you guys let it rest in peace?

Related: The WB really hopes that this is going to be that holy grail of television shows, “brought to you by the makers of Friends,” that will be the new Friends. I give it a month.

UPN
America’s Next Top Model: So, this year, Tyra Banks decided she’d had enough of the old botoxed battleaxe and got rid of Janice Dickinson. Thereby also getting rid of the only reason to watch this show.

Veronica Mars: This is hands-down the show I am most excited about this season. Great, unpredictable mysteries, a likable and witty heroine and a tone that somehow makes a sunny California beach town seem noir.

The verdict: There’s only one hour of television to watch on Wednesdays and that’s Veronica Mars. For the other primetime hours, I’m thinking of taking up knitting or quilting or one of those other all-consuming and painfully useful activities.

Reason #35 to Hate Baseball

"House" is taking a little break. For baseball. Great. Except not.

The Fall of TV - Part 2

Tuesday night – Finally a night of hard decisions.

ABC
According to Jim: This is not one of them.

Rodney: Another family/cute kid sitcom. I think I’ll pass.

Commander in Chief: So, Geena Davis is the president. But the world’s not ready! For a woman. This just seems so serious. And sad, since I’d rather see a woman actually be in the White House than see one playing at it.

Boston Legal: Okay, so, this is my guilty pleasure show. It’s complete camp. It’s James Spader and William Shatner in the same room feeding off each other. Throw in Candace Bergen and some Betty White here and there, and it’s beyond hilarious. And the fact that they’re getting rid of Monica Potter this year? I’m so stoked.

CBS
NCIS: What is this? CSI, but with the army?

The Amazing Race: I’ve heard this is the best reality show out there. But it’s got too much 9 o’clock competition for me to play along.

Close to Home: A legal drama. Without James Spader or William Shatner.

NBC
The Biggest Loser: This show is one of the reasons people go ex-patriot.

My Name is Earl: Okay. I love Jason Lee. And I would love to watch this show. It looks funny and a little unconventional and most importantly: Jason Lee. But it comes on at the same time as House

The Office: Ditto. I love Steve Carrell and I’ve heard really great things. But, House.

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit: Um, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but this Law & Order thing is reproducing like a lot of bored bunnies. Like, watching Law & Order bored.

Fox
Bones: This is David Boreanaz’s new show. I am glad he’s working. I want to make that clear. Even before the show aired, I was concerned about the leading lady of this show. In one of my less charitable moments, I called her “ugly in the face” much to Sam’s amusement. Still, I held out hope that, upon actually watching the show, I would come to like her, love her, laud her as a shining example of the betterment of not-that-attractive people on TV. As it turns out, per the pilot, her character is not only not attractive enough to play opposite David Boreanaz, she’s also pretty bitchy and meddlesome. While I can get on board with a bitchy woman, this woman seems like overkill with her nonsensical involvement in FBI cases and complete lack of pop culture references. I just think I have to let David Boreanaz and his meal ticket soldier on without me.

House: This, I will be watching. It’s bitchy done right. House is mean, but with a lot of humor and pop culture references that seem even funnier when Hugh Laurie pauses and relishes the words with wide eyes and a little ironic jut of chin. My hope for this season is that both Sela Ward and the lady who plays Dr. Cameron get very little screen time.

The WB
Gilmore Girls: Oh, Gilmore Girls, I can’t give you up. Sure, things have been a little disappointing the last few years, what with Rory going from zero to annoying in about the time it took her to snub Marty the Naked Guy for Logan the Dumb-Ass Party Boy and Walking Trust Fund. But I still care about what happens to Lorelai and Lane (when you show her), and Emily Gilmore is still that confounding combination of rich bitch jokes and heart-wrenching moments that makes her fascinating to watch.

Supernatural: You know, Jared Padalecki, I was on your side. Up to the moment that you returned to Gilmore Girls only to cheat on your wife and take the virgin out of Rory. Now, the floppy hair is a problem. Your features, which were so attractive at the beginning of Gilmore Girls, seem bland. Oh, and your new show looks like it’s all hype and very little substance. But I won’t be finding out if that’s true because I’ll be watching House.

UPN
America’s Next Top Model (rerun): UPN is giving Tyra Banks two primetime opportunities to try to ensnare you in her tangle of fake hair and model wannabes.

Sex, Love & Secrets: Okay, so, I don’t really care what this is about. But the name bugs me. I mean, I keep wanting to say Sex, Lies and Videotape and instead it’s this pale imitation which really boils down to a collection of clichés. The thing about Sex, Lies and Videotape is that the name clues you in to the full-on shallow titillation to come. Which, I’m sure is what this show is all about, but look at the pretension of adding Love to that.

The verdict: Gilmore Girls, House and Boston Legal. Probably the only night of the week when I have shows lined up through 11 and even have some regrets about what I can’t watch.

Again, more later.

The Fall of TV - Part 1

TV is back!

We've finally been saved from the likes of "Dancing with the Stars" by the return of the Fall line-up. But what will you watch? What is worth your time? How can you tell?

Me, that's how.

In the interest of public safety, I'm here to let you in on my choices for this TV season: which ones I'm not touching and want to touch and think are too young to touch without going to jail.

Let’s start with Sunday night:

ABC
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Okay, I’ve only ever seen the last five minutes of this show, and it seems like someone’s always crying. And not just a little bit. Serious bawling. It’s already Sunday night, the sad death of the weekend. Who needs another downer?

Desperate Housewives: Kind of a difficult choice. I mean, does one reward a show with the most irritating character on primetime television (Lynette Scavo), especially after the actress playing that character just won an Emmy? Can the show rise above Mary Alice’s nails-on-a-chalkboard narration? Dare we hope that when they killed Rex, they killed that too? Probably not. I have real concerns about the dumbness of the show’s “mysteries” and how Bree’s character will function without a partner in dysfunction. But Alfre Woodard is joining the cast.

Grey’s Anatomy: Please. What is this show even about? Not medicine, I’ll tell you that.

CBS
Cold Case: I’ve seen a couple of episodes of this show. An interesting little twist on the typical procedural cop show. But, seriously, what is with that mullet-y ponytail on the lead lady?

CBS Sunday Movie: Knowing CBS, it’s probably going to much resemble the weekly movies they show on the Lifetime Women’s Channel, but ever so slightly more wholesome.

NBC
The West Wing: A show I actually like as far as I’ve seen in reruns. Still, I’ve heard that the departure of Aaron Sorkin had not done good things. Up to now, I’ve never been able to try it out in primetime, though.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Much as I sometimes love Vincent D’Onofrio and his mumble-y theatrics, Law & Order is in no way appointment-TV for me.

Crossing Jordan: I have no idea what this show is about. I guess you could tune in if you liked that lady from Law & Order. No, not that one. The other one. With the hair. No, not the Texas lady. The other one.

Fox
The Simpsons: This show is like spinach. I know it is good for me. I like it when I do watch it. I just – never want to.

The War at Home: New family sitcom. Like the ones on CBS, but edgier. Uh-huh.

Family Guy/American Dad: If I’m not going to watch The Simpsons, cultural juggernaut and all, I’m probably not going to tune in for its hatchlings.

The WB
Charmed: I want you to know that if you watch this show, you are marked down on a list, and you can never get your self-respect back. Seriously. The government confiscates it.

Blue Collar TV: Oh, Jeff Foxworthy, proud creator of the “you might be a redneck if…” jokes. You’re still around, mining those truly shallow depths.

The verdict: I’ll probably watch The West Wing (though not religiously) and Desperate Housewives (until it pisses me off). It’s a decision based mostly on a lack of any other options.

Monday – it has to be good to propel me through this particular weekday.

ABC
Wife Swap: The nationally televised outing of many a racist, control freak, misogynist and lazy ass.

Monday Night Football: Ha.

CBS
The King of Queens: I’ve never felt the need to watch this. I’m particularly not a fan of CBS’s penchant for the fat guy/hot wife sitcom, so, yeah. Enjoy your time away from my TV, King of Queens.

How I Met Your Mother: Interesting quandary. This new show has Alyson Hannigan (Willow from Buffy) and Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) in it. Normally the latter wouldn’t even be a consideration. But that was before I saw his hilarious turn (as himself) in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. So, I should want to watch this, right? I watched the first episode and it was fairly funny in places. But the premise seems so tiring (this guy’s telling his kids how he met his wife, but presumably we don’t get to the actual meeting for a long-ass time) and Alyson Hannigan is not the comedic pro I wish she was. She sticks out from the cast like a red-headed thumb and not even NPH’s precise comic timing for cluelessness can save this one for me.

Two and a Half Men: I’m not interested in Charlie Sheen or Duckie from Pretty in Pink.

Out of Practice: Dear Stockard Channing, I know you can be very funny. You really don’t have to do a sitcom with Henry Winkler. Love, Stephanie. PS. I’m really enjoying “Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee” from the Grease soundtrack. Good work.

CSI Miami: CSI is like a procedural on steroids. Someone should stop the madness.

NBC
Surface: Shut-up Lake Bell! Candace Bergen, in her infinite wisdom, pushed you off Boston Legal so you just have to go try to rip off Lost for NBC. Well, I hope Nessie uses you to pick her teeth.

Las Vegas: How is this show still on? Oh, right. Breasts.

Medium: I’ve never really liked Patricia Arquette. She has a strangely hard face. Anyway, I’m not dying to see her be clairvoyant.

Fox
Arrested Development: I can’t believe it took me until the middle of last season to start watching this show. It’s definitely the best thing Fox has going for it. Are you watching it? Because you should be.

Kitchen Confidential: Bradley Cooper, Nicolas Brendan and John Cho. This show would have to do a lot wrong to stop me watching it.

Prison Break: Suspenseful, I’m sure. But, how long can you watch a show where people are waiting to break out of prison? If they actually break out, the show’s over. Talk about your exercise in frustration.

The WB
7th Heaven: Much like Charmed, I wonder at the undead state of this show.

Just Legal: Seriously? Don Johnson? Seriously?

UPN
One on One/All of Us/Girlfriends/Half & Half: All of these look like your typical UPN sitcom. Which is to say, your typical sitcom, but black. Still, Girlfriends is Sam’s particular guilty pleasure, so I’ll let her comment on that if she wants.

The verdict: I’ll be watching Arrested Development and Kitchen Confidential, thank you very much. Ultimately, How I Met Your Mother loses out due to my devotion to Xander over Willow. 9:00 looks like a lost cause, but if I decide to be adventurous, I might try Girlfriends on Sam’s recommendation.

My picks for the rest of the week will follow.

It's Just a Stupid Quiz

Obsessive Freak!

How Obsessive Are You Over Buffy?

Open Love Letter Valu-Pak (Part 4)

I originally planned to offer up a dish of open hate mail. (Don't think you've escaped just yet, Corregidora). However, I spent last night rockin' with Rasputina in Carrboro, NC, and now all is full of love.

Dear Michelle and Eric,

You guys, I'm so seriously--no, really, thanks for the martinis and the Mexican food and the letting me sleep on your futon after the driving me to the Cat's Cradle to rock out. They should bottle and sell your kind of cool.

Rock the Casbah,
Sam

Dear Hot Drummer from Tarantula A.D.,

It took me a moment to get used to your sound, but more importantly, you are smokin' hot. You got it goin' on.

Call Me,
Sam

Dear Dancing Goth Guy,

Check you out.

When I spotted you playing air cello and air piano while simultaneously holding a tai chi pose and mouthing the lyrics of "The New Zero," I wanted to talk smack about you. I wanted to tap you on the shoulder and say, "Hey, buddy, you look ridiculous."

But I didn't, and you know why? I was there with you. Bless your heart.

But You Still Looked Ridiculous,
Sam

Dearest, Most Beloved, and Rockin'est Rasputina,

My friend, Stephanie, and I have a plan. Actually, this plan is one of many, but it could happen: the two of us travel to Hollywood for the expressed purpose of being anti-Hollywood. We are as enamored of celebrity as we are disgusted by it. We are too jaded to be genuinely starstruck.

You are the exception. I have an irony-free desire to get your autographs, to take pictures with you backstage, to buy a concert tee-shirt (check), to ask you to make inane lists of your favorite things.

(You are the reason why I talked a minimal amount of trash about Dancing Goth Guy. He should write you a thank-you note.)

I found you in 1998. I ordered $80 worth of goodies from delia*s and received a free CD with your cover of "You Don't Own Me" on it. I heard you on Buffy--Drusilla's birthday jam--and because I was completely wild about Buffy, I bought all of your albums. I first saw you play at the Echo Lounge in 2003. That day was the second-best day of that year. After watching you work those cellos, bang those drums, I felt like I'd found you all over again.

Come Back Soon,
Sam

Tin Tiaras and the Kiddie Pool

seliseburns: You know, on Wednesday night, Dolores Conchita [names have been changed to protect the pitable] told me she has a major crush on Elijah Wood.
seliseburns: ?
seliseburns: And then, she denigrated my choice of Nicolas Brendan.
seliseburns: What is that?
snovellasimpson: She has a crush on what?
seliseburns: I know!
snovellasimpson: He's like three feet tall.
seliseburns: She's pedophilic, what can I say?
snovellasimpson: I do worry about her. And has she seen Nicholas Brendan? Early Buffy Nick?
seliseburns: I believe so. She seriously told me he wasn't attractive. Compared to Elijah "I'm likely to be typecast as a creepy stalker/cannibal" Wood.
snovellasimpson: I mean, I'm really worried.
snovellasimpson: You know, Erika says I have this disorder where I can't see unattractive people. Sometimes I think I'm alone in a crowded room. Maybe Dolores Conchita has the inverse of that disorder.
seliseburns: Heh.
snovellasimpson: My disorder serves me well, but that girl needs some help.
seliseburns: We were discussing who we would have wild groupie slut sex with.
snovellasimpson: ...
seliseburns: I think we only agreed on Pierce Brosnan in 1982 and Colin Firth.
seliseburns: She was all about Richard Dean Anderson.
snovellasimpson: And barf.
seliseburns: What about you? Trey Parker?
snovellasimpson: Hecks yeah. And J. August Richards. Rowr!
snovellasimpson: I might let James Marsters feel me up. Might.
seliseburns: Heh. I would do David Boreanaz. As long as he didn't talk that much.
snovellasimpson: Hm--I'm trying to think of who else rocks my world--um...
snovellasimpson: See, here's the problem.
snovellasimpson: I love, love, love some celebrity guy until I quite literally can't love him anymore.
seliseburns: Uh-huh.
snovellasimpson: Say Ernie Reyes, Jr. comes up to me right now, and he's like, "What's up, babe?"
snovellasimpson: I'd be like, "Don't touch me."
seliseburns: I understand. I mean, he's Ernie Reyes, Jr. In 2005.
snovellasimpson: Yeah. Barf.
seliseburns: See, that's why Pierce Brosnan in 1982. Because Pierce Brosnan now? Too old. It's creepy.
snovellasimpson: He's got that old man chest-fuzz thing going on.
seliseburns: Yep. Sad, but true.
seliseburns: I'm not ready for that yet. If I grew old with some guy and he got that, okay. But I'm young now and I don't want to go straight from start to old man.
snovellasimpson: So, in the Miss Shallow 2005 pageant which one of us would win?
seliseburns: I think we'd share the title. Acrimoniously.
snovellasimpson: "I love Trey Parker and all, but I can't deal with his hairline. I would also improve the world by wearing make-up. Thank you!"
seliseburns: "I'm leading a crusade against old man fuzz hair. I believe that we should cryogenically preserve our hottest TV and film stars from the moment of their hotness peak. We should then only retreive them from cryo-chambers for quick sexual satisfaction. Vote for me!"
snovellasimpson: "I believe ugly people are not worthy of love or attention. In addition to preserving the beautiful, I think we should use technology and artists' techniques and special effects to blur ugly people's faces."
seliseburns: "Not enough, I say. We should have farms for housing bad, unattractive or annoying actors away from the temptation of Hollywood."
snovellasimpson: "Well played, Miss Milledgeville. But I think we should also arrange for fitness experts and cosmetics specialists to visit these blights on society."
seliseburns: We would totally cut a swathe through the crowd. People would be running over each other to escape the waves of shallow we would radiate.
snovellasimpson: I know I feel like a queen already. (Tiaras look so hot on me.)
seliseburns: I actually have a groove in my head that tiaras naturally fill.
snovellasimpson: Well. You would.

The Attraction Matrix

Sam has always been a pioneer in the organization and bureaucratization of matters of the heart (or pants, as the case may be). When we were in college, she devised an Application for Sexual Favors that had us all in awe. Recently, she's been touting her Attraction Matrix as a surefire way to boil things down to essentials and find a suitable mate. She has tasked me with coming up with my own and I have tried my hardest to assess and project the limits of my attraction to the opposite sex. As they say, the line between love and hate, it is thin.

Positive Attraction Matrix (Points Out of 100)

Can quote Buffy the Vampire Slayer - +10pts
Is a poet or writer - +10pts
Likes old movies as much as new ones - +15pts
Understands the importance of food and me eating it - +15pts
Can engage in banter - +20pts
Likes to walk/hike - +10pts
Extensively read - +10pts
Can quirk an eyebrow - +10pts

Negative Attraction Matrix (Points Out of 100)

Quotes Buffy while also attending a Sci-Fi Convention dressed as a character from Babylon 5 - -15pts
Is a crappy poet or writer - -15pts
Thinks it's great that I'm a poet because I'll read his 3rd grade "Ode to Erasers" - -10pts
Turns up his nose at my cheesier movies, TV shows, books and music - -15pts
Doesn't so much banter as tell bad jokes - -20pts
Lives an irony-free life - -10pts
Likes to hear himself talk, you know, a lot - -15pts

Well, Sam, I've done it. Now, when can expect my new boyfriend? 4 to 6 weeks?

The Birds and the Bees

You want to know the problem with movies and televisions? We'll tell you the problem with movies and television:

No cross-pollination.

That's right. Characters can only hook up with the people trapped with them in the narrative. And that just isn't fair. In a perfect world,

Mary Bennet (BBC's "Pride and Prejudice) makes a good match with Gilbert ("Thin Man"). The sober, party-pooping Mary would be able to converse with the morbid Gilbert for hours. Alone, they each suck so much, they rule. Together, they could drain all the fun out of a room filled with hundreds of people who only want to dance jigs or solve murder mysteries.

Bruce Wayne (Tim Burton's "Batman") rises to the challenge of wooing Maude Lebowski ("The Big Lebowski"). He's a superhero. The utterance of the word "vagina" doesn't make him uncomfortable. She can tolerate his night habits as long as he supports her art, and they both have a knack for interior design.

Spike Spiegel ("Cowboy Bebop") throws over Julia for Veronica Mars ("Veronica Mars"). He's too cool for school, and she's too shrewd for... dude. Anyway. He could teach her how to smoke and point a gun, and she can use her detective skills to help him capture more bounties. Together, they'd rule both Neptune High and the planet Neptune.

Velma Kelly ("Chicago") trades passionate insults with Eric Cartman ("South Park"). She may seem too glamorous, too old, and too, well, live-action for Cartman, but think about it. Those two would be the most ruthless power couple on the planet. She would help him spice up his Fingerbang routine. Cartman could find a way to bust her out of the big house should she choose to off another enemy. And then they'd sing about it.

Captain Jack Sparrow ("Pirates of the Caribbean") seduces Sugar ("Some Like It Hot"). He's no good. She knows he's no good--but she likes that in a fella. She would play the ukelele for him in that scandalous sequined gown, and he would... well, just be Captain Jack Sparrow all day.

Wesley ("The Princess Bride") whispers sweet nothings to Christian ("Moulin Rouge"). The lovin' doesn't get any more tender than this. Wesley would utter, "As you wish," but Christian wouldn't make any exacting demands. All he needs is love because "love is like oxygen," and it "lifts [them] up where they belong." Their life together--in Christian's Montmarte hovel--would be a continuous honeymoon.

Elizabeth Bennet ("Pride & Prejudice") makes an even better match with Dr. Gregory House ("House"). Mr. Darcy goes soft in the end, and we all know Lizzie likes a man who keeps the charm turned off. The clever, insulting Dr. House would keep our heroine on her toes--and she wouldn't come between him and his other true love, Vicodin.

Peter Venkman ("Ghostbusters") and Michele Weinberger ("Romy and Michele's High School Reunion") double date every Friday night with Doug Remer ("Baseketball") and Romy White. Michele needs a man who can remind her she's the Mary, and Venkman would do so with gusto. Doug and Romy both need lessons in image and keeping it real--although, it wouldn't be so bad if they never learned. In fact, it would be hysterical.

And Morticia Addams ("The Addams Family") snips the roses off the bushes in Rhett Butler's ("Gone with the Wind") garden. She is passionate; he is dashing and virile. Rhett would never doubt for a moment that his black widow of a wife enjoyed his company. He only needs to kiss up and down her arm to send her into a tizzy. Morticia, with his ill-gotten gains, would have some time to "seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade."

Ain't love grand?

I Always Knew I Was Cold-Blooded

Which John Cusack Are You?

Happy Labor Day

Which John Cusack Are You?